Whine

I'm sick. Whine. Honestly, normally when I'm sick I just push through, get over it make do, or rest until I'm functional again, get back up and get to work. Most people won't hear about it or notice, and those that do hear about it are far enough away that it's not like I'm putting pressure on them to fix it for me. I always feel like I'm entirely pathetic and needy, but those people usually tell me that I was neither, just quieter than usual. Well this time, I'm speaking up. Whine. In one of my classes we learned about something called projective identification, where people tend to pin whatever they are feeling onto the people around them. Quiet people particularly end up getting pinned with whatever everyone else is feeling, because they are more of a blank slate than someone who is particularly vocal. Well I certainly wouldn't want to mislead any of you into believing that I am feeling whatever it is you are trying to suppress, so I'm speaking up. Whine. I don't feel good. And when I don't feel good I don't want to hear about your children, your issues, your perfect whatever, your spouse, your job, or whatever else it is in your life that seems like such a trial. Seriously, do you know how much it sucks for a single girl to listen to your complaints about your children? Has anyone ever pointed out to you a "first world problem"? Whine. It must be so sad for you when you don't feel good and your husband has to go to work instead of taking care of you. Read sarcasm. News flash. I got dizzy when I went to get myself a bowl of cereal, I ran out of breath when I tried to get dressed, and I couldn't figure out how to answer my own phone this morning because my head was so fuzzy from being awake most of the night in a fever. Whine. Nobody is going to show up and take care of me, not before, after, or during work. And no, I don't have to worry about taking care of the kids while I don't feel good. Do you realize what a small consolation prize that is? The only way anyone is even going to know I was sick is from me posting it on the blog. Whine. And I hate that I feel good enough to feel guilty about laying around while I'm laying down, but if I sit up or try to move, it takes an extra 15 minutes to catch my breath. Which means I can probably manage to make my own ramen for lunch, but then I will have to take a nap to recover from stirring it and it will be cold by the time I get to eat it. Whine. Also, some girl from school keeps texting me for help with some paper and to ask if I'll make another kid a birthday cake for class. I'm not sure why she thinks I have anything in life together enough to do either of those things, but I wish someone would make her stop. Whine. Reality is, this is a hard semester, I'm barely hanging on, and I have considered dropping out on a nearly weekly basis. I've talked to professors about it, but I wasn't planning on dumping it on others because frankly, it's not your problem, it's mine. Whine. There that projection. People often believe that if a person doesn't talk about their problems, they must not have any. Then again, we've all had that friend that burns us out with their drama. Someone on your Facebook is doing it right now. They are posting sad song lyrics and rants about how their dog died and no one loves them and how awful their situation is with accusatory overtones of demand. I don't want to be that person. Whine. But today I'm sick, and I consider that my pass to whine for a while longer. Except I have to go to class, and I'm not sure how that's going to work. If I take enough medication to bring the fever down and stop coughing, I'm pretty sure I can't legally drive. Then again, without meds, I'm dizzy and out of breath. Whine. Then I have to finish a midterm and work on some papers. Whine. Seriously, why couldn't I have gotten sick 2 days from now, when I have a long weekend clear of obligations and plans? whine. Maybe its best if I close this down now. Check back tomorrow. Maybe I'll feel like being nicer.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

I wonder.

Facebook makes for some fascinating political watching.  The elections bring out the absolute worst in people.  Seriously, I'm not sure why people that I find to be kind, reasonable, and intelligent people in real life go and post inane, ill-thought out statements in a feed that all of their "friends" will see.  I make no secret as to my political stance.  I also have been very clear about our responsibility to be balanced and kind.  That being said, there are a few things I wonder that perhaps the cybersphere could clear up for me. 

I wonder if my culturally LDS friends really believe that President Obama is a great evil, and that his re-election will really speed up the second coming.  I'm fairly certain that the scriptures have been clear, no man can know, speed it up, or slow it down.  I wonder, every time they post something like this, if they realize they are engaging in the hype and rhetoric rather than thinking about the doctrines they love.  I wonder if they truly believe this is something they need to worry about, or if they can have faith that their personal covenants and choices are what truly protect them from negative eternal consequences, regardless of the timing of the second coming.  I would ask my friends who truly believe this election was a "sign of the times" examine their scriptures and read the true revelations, know that the signs are and have been present regardless of political climate, and choose to be grounded in their faith and covenants based on priciples that are true across all political platforms.

I wonder if I really am friends with people who can see no good whatsoever in a man that has led our nation for 4 years, and can see only good in a man they hardly know but share a faith with.  I wonder if they recognize that they are being fed biased information from a biased media, or if they truly believe everything the news stations say.  I know that (particularly in Utah) we are constantly fed skewed data that needs to be weighed and balanced.  Along with this wonder, I am concerned that people I love do not realize or consider the fact that half the nation sees things differently from them, and that it is mighty difficult to completely hoodwink so many people to vote for what they are declaring to be "pure evil".  I would ask that they not allow the lies of the media to bind their agency, but that they rise above the misinformation and make a choice that includes acknowledgement that these men are both good men, that their policies differ only slightly, and that their friends who choose differenlty are not evil by association.

I wonder if anyone recognizes that the biases in the media, the judgements and name-calling between friends, and the attitude that "I will just move to _____" (or otherwise generally not support our nation's president) are in fact the most un-American stances to take.  I wonder if those who make such ridiculous and inflammatory statements can see how unintelligent they look, how cruel they sound, and how much more "socialist" it is to manipulate and hate those who disagree than it is to offer welfare and healthcare to those in need. I would hope that we can come together to honor a constitution and land that has in place checks and balances, that we can participate in a process that many people in the world do not have the priveledge of enjoying, and most of all, that we can move forward doing good in our own lives without the judgement so callously tossed around in the name of politics.

I wonder if anyone else is even a little bit excited about the good that an incumbant president can do without the worry of re-election politics.  I honestly believe that politicians (while they do lie and manipulate to gain the offices of power) have a certain passion for doing well.  They can't all be into it for the money and power, because let's face it, the money's not great and the power is checked and balanced.  More than a few of those men and women truly love this nation and the people that they serve.  More than a few of them are spending their lives and their earnings to be in a position to do what they honestly believe is best for their families and friends.  While it admittedly takes a measure of narcissism to run for president, both candidates were evenly matched in that arena, (and incidentally on much of their policy), there is no way they simply acted out of desire for "phneomenal cosmic power".  I would hope that we can see the potential for real action and truth in 4 years unburdened by the possibility of re-election.

Finally, I wonder if people will eventually come to "see things as they truly are" (myself included) and find some good in the people they have vilified and ostracized.  I have Republican friends that seem to have forgotten that "Obamacare" is based on "Romneycare" and I have Democrat friends that seem to have forgotten how the birth control debate is as much about freedom of religion as it is about women's rights.  I wonder if the polarized platforms will eventually reveal themselves as the actual evil in this process. I hope that as we educate ourselves beyond media biases and dangerous rhetoric we will rediscover our friendships and learn to value the common grounds that brought us together in the first place. 

There you have it.  My political musings, my questions for the world, and my hopes for my friends.  This is not an attempt to sway people towards my way of thinking, it is an invitation to think, to study, and to say things that reflect truth rather than hysteria.  If you would like to comment, please know that if you say things that continue the thoughtless hysteria, I will delete you. But if you have some insight, or some perspective beyond doomsday or delight, I am happy to hear it.

On my end, I like healthcare legislation because insurance companies are wholly evil (see, I have my unreasonable perspectives too!) and they needed to be told that pre-existing conditions were a dishonest cop-out.  I like welfare legislation because it helps many of the people that I know and love out of the rough parts of life, and those people have all become functioning and contributing citizens as a result of the welfare they recieved. That's right, they used it, and now they pay it forward.  I like platforms that support healing and rehabilitation rather than punishment, because ever dollar spent on mental health saves us $36 dollars in the proson system.  I like pro-choice platforms and I like birth control that comes through insurance companies, because the two are statistically healthier for the population.  Pro-choice does not mean pro-abortion.  (And while we are on it, my faith declares that agency is as integral a gift as life itself, so I do not see how one can claim religious reasons for being more one than the other.) I don't believe that government should define marriage AT ALL, regardless of the definition being debated, but I believe that civil rights of every individual should be protected by the government.  This means that gay couples should have the same financial and legal rights as straight couples, but religions should not be forced to adopt a definition of marriage that does not reflect their belief system.  Finally, I believe that Kristen Stewart should be banned from acting, Stephanie Meyer should be banned from publishing novels marketed for teens, and and the CIA should use their top secret erasey-tools to obliterate the Twilight franchise from our minds and culture.

Sigh. Now you know.

How it turned out...

See how my little "36" post was sort of depressing?  I need to remedy that by saying how it actually went. 

36 started with a phone call from Jim and a call from Lucie, both while I was eating leftover chicken burritos from dinner the night before.  You may not know this about me, but I love leftover dinner boxes for breakfast.  Weird? Maybe.  But here's the deal.  That way the leftovers are fresh, you reheat minimally and there is not as much gross dried edge stuff.  Also, then you start the day with fresh memories of good times with firends.  Its a win-win.  So I chatted with my dear friends while I ate, and just as I finished, my friend Christine showed up for our hike.  We loaded our pockets with leftover halloween candy and took the same trail we have been taking all summer.  After the hike, we checked movie times and scheduled to meet up with Kim for a little "Wreck-it Ralph".  While waiting, Christine and I used my Disney princess temporary sparkle tattoo kit to give ourselves tattoos. At the movie we ate popcorn and laughed our butts off.  Disney has a good history of releasing delightful cartoons on my birthday weekend.  After the movie, we had to say goodbye to Christine and Kim and I headed to California Pizza Kitchen.  At some point in here, my phone battery died.  We shared my two favorites and topped it off with chocolate souffle, found out another friend of mine saw us there and paid for our food, and decided to do a little shopping.  I drooled over a fiat, we bought some cute things, and then said goodbye for the evening.  On my way home, I stopped at Barnes and Noble to check on a new book by Lois Lowry, and I read for about an hour before they closed up and I went home. 

So: (I sum up)
Hiking
Food
Friends
Temporary glitter tattoo (princess crown)
Movie
Shopping
Reading
Chocolate
More good wishes than my phone could keep up with

These are a few of my favorite things.  Sometimes I worry that I am losing my sense of adventure, but in reality, I'm becoming someone who knows what I like, and I'm oh so happy with that.

Oh yeah, and the time change.  This is the second time I've gotten a 25 hour birthday.  I only feel a little sad for those people with spring birthdays who lose an hour. 

So well-played 36.  You have potential.  Let's see what we can do with this.

36

I'm sitting here at an obscene hour enjoying the last few minutes of being 35. I'm also struggling with writing some papers.  I need to write lots, but I can't write the stuff I'm actually accountable for until I write the stuff that my brain is obsessing over.

Don't people usually make a big deal out of those big round numbers?  Why do I care about 36? I'll tell you why.  Because 36 is closer to 40 than it is to 30.  I struggled with 30.  I struggled with it because I was in a pretty lousy place at the time, and because I didn't believe much would change from there out.  36 isn't that kind of a struggle.  36 is frankly easier because things did change, and because I feel like I have accomplished some things I really wanted in life. Its also easier because I am still accomplishing things, and so life is moving forward, changing and shifting. 

So really, as of right now (minutes before the official change) 36 feels like a new haircut, leftover mexican food from an evening with dear friends, and a few avoided research papers.  Not a bad sum. I've grown to love the feeling of having something to do, just becuase I know that left to my own devices I will get into trouble. 

But there are bits of it that feel unfinished. Like I lost a few years in there.  Shouldn't I still be 32? People in choir keep assuming I'm one of those 28-29 year olds.  Lovely, thank you, oh how I wish!

The nice thing is, 36 will have some interesting stuff. The choir will go on tour to Minnesota (and some other places that don't matter as much), I will do a practicum and then start an internship (weird to think that when I hit 37 I will be a practicing intern- yikes), and probably lots of other stuff that comes along the road.  The nice thing is, I don't worry about whats coming anymore, because the days fly by so full of stuff that I hardly have time to realize its happening let alone record it.  I know I won't be bored. The real problem is taking charge enough to choose which things happen and try and make the time feel less lost.


And 36 just sounds so much more grown up than I feel.  Part of me wants to rebel by going to wal-mart and having shopping cart races or eating a ridiculous amount of candy.  Then another part of me recognizes that its cute for kids to act like kids and its cute for 80 and 90 year olds to act like kids.  During the in-between years, its just plain irritating.  There is something serious about being 36. Its a sedan-or-min-van-driving, desk-job-sitting, responsible citizen sounding age. 

Maybe I'm truly backwards.  You know how most people have some sort of a midlife crisis and they flip out and do something fun?  Or they buy a sports car or quit their job to chase their dreams or something.... Maybe I'm opposite-girl.  Maybe instead of having a fun mid-life crisis, I'm am going to suddenly start being all serious.  Next time you see me sitting reverently through church or quietly managing paperwork in the corner, or reading non-fiction, do me a favor and give me a smack.  Tell me to snap out of it.  Remind me that this is not who I am.  I will not be 36.  Hand me some Harry Potter and make me jump in some leaves or throw a snowball. 

36 is a technicality.  A passing fad.  Something that must be passed through in order to acheive 37, a delightfully prime number.  36 won't take me down and turn me into an accountant.  Do you hear me, 36? You better. 

aaaaand conference.

Hooray!

It's conference weekend!  Bust out the M&M's and notebooks!

If you are reading this because you are a tad bored and you want to know what to look for, here are my thoughts going into it all. 

• Have I mentioned that the choir is full of amazing people?  In every camera shot you have the potential to see my friends, my heroes, the guy(s?) I'm interested in, and maybe even me!
• Beyond watching the choir, please listen.  We work so hard.  We spend time memorizing, we get yelled at and pushed to our limits and sometimes we even cry, all to make our own offering a part of the whole deal. The words mean something.  Every last one of them has been prayed over and agonized over by at least 400 people. 
• Pray for me.  Last conference I fell asleep and drooled chocolate on my dress.  It was still there when we sang the last song.
• Listen like a reporter. With the elections and Governor Romney, the press will be paying attention and searching for things to blow out of porportion!
• Did you write down your questions?  Its not too late!  I have over a page.  I know its "supposed" to be 3, but I figure I'll give God options. 
• Turquoise and Fuscia (but the fuscia looks red on camera). Now you can tell your friends you are in the know. (No Peeps this season.  Maybe for spring)
• You know how that organ can get loud?  Its even louder when you are standing 10 feet in front of the pipes.  They offer us earplugs, but I don't take them, because I like the noise.
• You have my permission to throw an M&M at the screen every time you see me. This is only somewhat less disruptive than jumping around yelling "I know her!"
• I cut bangs, so my hair is different.
• Elder Holland, President Eyering, President Uchtdorff, Elder Perry, and Elder Scott.  These are a few of my favorite things!
• (But most of all Elder Perry, 'cause he thinks I'm beautiful.)
• My friend Brittany's son calls me Fancy and says I sing with the angels.  He's not far off.
• This seems like a narcissistic list, but honestly, its my blog, so what are you gonna do?

Most of all, love every second of it.  I know I do. Even the accidental naps. (Because let's be honest, they are the best naps you ever get. And you only get them once every 6 months.)

The political post

I want to keep this brief.

I am a democrat.

I am not stupid.

I am not a socialist.

I am aware of the strengths and weaknesses of BOTH candidates.

Are you?

The point of this is not to convince anyone to join me.  It is to invite you to be smarter about whatever party or candidate you support.  Think for a moment about President Barack Obama and Governor Romney.  Can you identify strengths and weaknesses in each of them?

If so, good for you.  Quit reading and go back to whatever you were doing with your life.

If not, you are frankly underinformed.  These men are neither gods nor devils.  Neither of them are wholly perfect nor wholly evil.  The moment you start to believe so is the moment you are buying into propoganda and no longer thinking for yourself. 

I shudder to realize that most of our political system is determined by who comes up with the most clever or entertaining or appealing propoganda. 

Start thinking.  Weigh the issues. Choose according to your thoughts on economy, foreign policy, healthcare, welfare, education, abortion, gay marriage, and any other topic you find important. But do not choose according to the pictures your facebook friends post, the things stated by either fox news or jon stewart, or whatever your professor/parent/roommate thinks.

And most of all, stop throwing insults at those who think and choose differently than you.  This is America.  The most un-American thing you can do is restrict another's right and ability to think and choose for themselves. 

Don't roll your eyes at me for stating my thoughts, especially if you asked for them.

Incidentally, I can still get a temple recommend, even if I vote for the not-mormon guy.  And I do know a few LDS girls who have gotten married in spite of their democratic party affiliation. 

And while we are on the subject of the stupid things people say, please oh please recognize that when you say stupid and uninformed things, you do more damage to your own party.  Like the kid who announced on facebook that if President Obama got re-elected, he would move to Canada.  Seriously?  You are worried about socialism and you think Canada is the place to go? By being either stupid or mean in the name of a certain political party, you make the party look that way by association! Just look at the damage Rush Limbaugh did to his own party with his "slut" comments. Although, I do wonder if he isn't a clever plant from the Democrats, winning intelligent people to the other side every time he opens his mouth.  I'm not saying anyone is stupid for disagreeing with me, I'm saying that if you say stupid things, you make a case for the other guys.

Here's a guideline: Instead of saying mean things about others, promote your own candidate by being positive.  It makes you look smarter and happier. 

Oh and one last thing.  President Obama is the President.  He is not Obama and he is not Barack.  Governor Romney will get the same due if he becomes president.  But for now, his title is governor and I respect him as such and call him by that title.  Let's try and at least maintain some propriety.  (Come on, you know me well enough to know that I don't call for propriety that often.)

I am constantly telling people I have smart and amazing friends.  Don't let the political season make me question you!

Cyberbullying? Really?

I've been absent for a while.  That's fine.  My head is in school and choir and all sorts of good things. 
But as always, I return to here when I need to write. And I need to write.

This is an open letter.  Meaning since I do not know to whom I should address this, I address it to everyone. 

I've gotten some harassment lately.  It came to the email address that is associated with my facebook account.  And it came anonymously.  Thus all I know about the sender is that they are probably my facebook "friend".  You'll see why I use that term loosely.

Apparently I'm fat. 

OK, well, really I knew that. 

Apparently, this sender feels it is their duty to inform me that I am fat and unattractive and irresponsible.  And they somehow have reasoned that while it is their duty to inform me, it is also their right to remain anonymous while doing so.

I would like to rant about how unsigned words have no power, but clearly they do, because here I am responding to them in the only way I can.  So instead of responding with off-the-cuff irritation, I am going to reason through a few things here. Its not that your words don't have power.  Words always have power.  The problem is that without a name attached, the individual who used them is relinquishing their power.  They take no ownership in their words, and are made weak by so doing. 

Do you hear that, Anonymous Cyberbully? You are weak.

There is a theory about bullying and power.  It is that those who bully feel powerless themselves, and so they target others that they perceive as weak in order to establish power for themselves. 

Do you think you are being my friend?  My friends are strong.  My friends know me.  My friends know they can talk to me about concerns.  My friends would sign their name. You are not my friend.

I am frankly familiar with bullying.  I remember the mean girls from elementary school, and their ridiculous games.  I can still hear the names that followed me around the hallways of my high school.  I can even name for you the adults who participated and contributed, and who impacted my sense of self in every way that they were not supposed to.  I remember their names because I learned that I don't have to believe them.  And I remember their names because I am learning to forgive them.

In spite of not knowing your name, I do want you to know some things about me.  I want you to know that I am strong.  Maybe I wasn't in high school, and those names hurt to the core.  But I am strong now.  I am strong enough to sign my name to whatever I write, and I am strong enough respond to you.

And I know that my body is not the ideal movie star or olympic body that the media tells me I am supposed to have.  You clearly think there is something wrong with me because of that.  But you are misinformed.  My body is strong.  I run 3 miles a day, I eat my veggies, and I sing with my whole core.  My lungs will produce a louder, longer, purer tone than most, I can run to class, hike up mountains, and dance ridiculously to a good beat as long as anyone else.  I will never be thin.  I will always be strong.

Beyond the physical traits that you so injuriously included in your message to me, you should know that I am strong beyond the reach of your words.  I have succeeded in acheiving everything I dreamed of as a child, and I succeeded early enough to create new dreams.  I am fulfilling those as well.  My goals reach far beyond your opinion of who I should be, and they will be accomplished without regard for your asinine approach. 

Your words do not impact my goals, they neither discourage me nor spur me onward.  Even if I someday choose to make thin-ness a goal, your words will not be what drive me towards it. 

Frankly, I have better concerns for my time.  We live in a world where souls balance on precarious boundaries.  While you blindly toss your brand of filth at those who surround you, I am using my strength to pull people from the muck.  It will take more than anonymous emails to hinder my efforts.

I would like to invite you to quietly remove yourself from my facebook list.  I do not think your version of friendship is healthy. I promise I will not scour my list to see who leaves.  I would guess that I won't even notice your absence.  If you ever become someone who would like to sign your name to your messages, look me up.  I will happily welcome you back. Until then, may you figure out how to have strength without tearing others apart.