On Suicide

A friend took his life this weekend. I knew it was coming, and it still tore me apart. I found out at choir and spent too long sobbing in the bathroom before I was able to return and pretend to sing. At first I returned to the song "if the way be full of trial, weary not". Not great timing on my part.

I've had friends both attempt and complete suicide before. Once a roommate locked herself in the bathroom, took a bunch of pills, and cut her wrists. We had to break down the door. I remember watching her pretend to resist as the EMTs wheeled her away on a stretcher. She was someone who threatened it frequently in order to get the attention she felt she needed. This was an escalation of her demands. She was sending a message that said "if you don't love me enough, you don't deserve to be called my friends." I'm not guessing at that message, it was in her note. She didn't want to die, she wanted people to prove that they loved her and wanted her around.

Another time, a past roommate completed suicide. She was someone that I had enjoyed spending time with, but she held some of the same patterns of behavior as the first roommate. She placed demands on her relationships that were beyond what others were able to sustain. She did this in more subtle ways, but sent the same message. We hadn't been in touch for a long time and I heard that she completed suicide. A few of us went to her funeral, and when we talked to her mother about being her friends, her mother's response was "she always told me she didn't have any friends." What a nasty overt attempt to guilt and place blame on the mourning. All it did was send the same message that was in the other note.

Those incidents, as sad as they were, really just made me angry. How dare they try and place the burden for their actions, their emotions, and their desires, on everyone around them. Honestly, I'm still a bit angry with them. I'm not allowed to say it, of course, but if you know me at all, I'm fine with saying things that you aren't supposed to say. Their actions were selfish, plain and simple. Whether they intended to complete it or not, whether they did complete it or not, it was not so much a "cry for help" as it was a tantrum for things to go their way.

This weekend was different. He decided it was time to end things, and he made it happen. He was done. It wasn't a cry for help, it wasn't a message to the world, it was a soul who was tired of battling, tired of being alone. There were people around, trying to help, but he had chosen it and at that point, there is little anyone can do to stop it.

In the process of informing our friends, one person said to me "I'm sorry he didn't get the help he needed." But that wasn't it at all. He had all the help the world could possibly offer, and it didn't change what he wanted. He wanted to be with his mom. To stop fighting whatever depression or loneliness he faced.

Wanna know a secret? I've been there. Beyond "cry for help" is the place where you are thinking to yourself "if I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it right." For me, the turning point came after someone informed me "we don't want you here, we don't like you." That person spoke from some hateful emotional place that I still don't understand. No matter how much I struggle with a person, I don't think those words would ever come to my lips. But at that point I had already been trying to figure out a way. And part of what saved me that day was that I didn't want the hateful person to be right. I wasn't going to be an increased burden by trying to send a "message". So I was either going to complete it, or not attempt it at all. And since I couldn't figure out how to really end things, I had no choice but to keep going.

My friend found a way. And I cried in the bathroom because he'll never know that it gets better. Because the lives he could have impacted will be less rich. And because between the two of us, I'm not sure who was more brave, but I'm certain he did and could still have done more good than I will.

There are plenty of studies that talk about suicide. The great academic combinations have evaluated who attempts, who succeeds, what interventions work, and what "motivates" it. These are interesting, but mean little to those left in the wake of lost friends. I could spout statistics and give you the proper counseling procedures for evaluation and intervention but that won't do us any good. Here's what will do us some good: talk about it.

Tell the people around you what they mean to you. Don't be that person who asks others to love them, love others first. Don't demand evidence from others of friendship, but choose to trust and love the best in others and act accordingly, offering your own voice of support and encouragement. Don't be insincere. Don't be that person that hands out insincere encouragement like cheap Halloween candy, but see the best in people, believe in the best in people, and support them in that greatness. Take time to be truly present in your relationships. We live in a world where Facebook and texting have replaced real faces and conversations. Reach outward. When you are they person who is down, make an effort to talk to two people each day: one person that can help you, and one person that you can help. Make those real conversations. There is strength in saying "I am hurting" and there is power in saying "tell me about your hurts".

I don't know that I could have changed things for Jason. I know that by the time I knew anything, I certainly couldn't have helped. But I wonder if ten years ago I could have been more sincere in my behavior. I wonder if two years ago I could have thanked him for all he did to encourage me, invite me, and support me at a time when I was kind of lost. Even if they wouldn't have changed the events of the past week, they would have changed our friendship. Gratitude can only make the world better. Do you know why I didn't speak up? Because I thought he'd see me as silly. What a stupid reason to have regrets now.

So forgive me if I'm a little more mooshy in my affection. I have amazing friends who do so much good in this world. I know incredible people whose smallest actions change night to day. I want to be like those people. I know its not in my nature. This is a long-term goal. If it comes off as silly, you'll just have to endure it while I refine the process.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Sum Sum Summertime.

Interesting.  I just sat on my porch to start typing this when my neighbor came out carrying his baby and retrieved a large number of hardware/tools/and automotive looking things from the back of his pickup truck.  Normal?  Yes.  He is on his third trip back and forth from the house now.  Still normal?  Yes.  Still carrying the baby.  The kicker is, Baby is buck naked.  This begs some questions.  Does the man really not understand the risks he takes when carrying around an undiapered infant?  Also, is the hardware seriously of greater priority than clothing his child?  Thirdly, Does he somehow need a tool box and jumper cables in order to complete at the very least the diapering process? If so, that is a diaper I'm glad I did not confront.

Ah the joys of summertime!  This morning after hiking for a few hours I came back to my house and ate fresh cherries for breakfast.  Yes, I'm bragging. 

And then I took a nap.

Of all the things on my list of things to accomplish today, I have not accomplished a single one.  Which is why I decided to blog.  Because at least I would feel I have indulged my mind with more than enjoying rainstorms and iCarly reruns.  Hey, its what was on.

Don't judge.  I'm not the one carrying around a naked baby and an oil wrench. 

Contrary to what you have just read, I'm in between insanities right now. Last week was family reunion time and this week we launch into summer concerts. 

Also, I have been working waaaaay more that I expected to this summer.  Which is both good and bad. 

And then there is the adventure of cleaning out storage spaces and preparing for a potential move. 
That should take up a few posts as well. 

See how today should have been filled with accomplishing things but instead it was filled with avoiding things for the sole purpose of accomplishing nothing? 

Maybe that's what neighbor guy was doing.  Accomplishing what he felt like instead of the necessary tasks at hand.  I have to admit, if feels good in a rebellious sort of way. 

With that in mind, here's what I have accomplished this summer instead of the "should's":

Should: work as often as asked and save every penny
Actuality: Took a day off and went to Singin' in the Rain with a group of friends.  It was re-released to theatres for one day only.  And there was a 2pm showing, so we went, had dinner after, and then went to choir.  The funny thing was, our group was 9 people, but from what I saw and heard, most of the choir was in attendance at some theatre or another.  Because we are awesome with impeccable taste.  Also, Gene Kelly on the big screen.  Who would want to miss that?

Should: Clean out storage space and all other areas of the house that tend to accumulate stuff in an effort to reduce my hoarding and be a "responsible grown up." (does such a thing exist, or is that more mythical than yetis and Nessy? Conspiracy theorists unite! Show me a responsible grown up and I will show you who faked the moon landing!)
Actuality: Read through every paper in those storage boxes that travel from home to home for years, discovered my kindergarten and preschool records including teachers commentary and artwork.  Psycho-analyzed myself and my early experiences, discovered some interesting stuff, and have yet to finish the house-purge.  It turns out I didn't talk much as a kid.  My knowledge and conversation skills were limited to things I learned from songs and things I was allowed to write down first.  This reveals a fascinating language processing disorder.  It also explains why I still feel incapable of "small talk" to this very day.  I see no point to it, other than as a social nicety. People probably take my silence for bitchiness, when what I'm really thinking is "couldn't we spend our breath on something that matters?" Also, I drew ears.  From a very young age I drew ears and no mouths.  Which indicates the priority I placed on the senses.  Most children do not draw ears at all. 
See how useful it is to clean out the storage space?

Should: Mow lawn, Clean kitchen, Keep up on housework
Actuality: reruns, naps, and very little else.  Because, you see, the butter-on-the-dryer roommate is gone, and part of me is reveling in the fact that every mess in that house is my own.  Nothing is growing its own new recipe in the kitchen sink, the bathtub is scrubbed regularly, and I vacuum once a week.  Also, the stove top is shiny.  Beyond that, if the mail piles up or the shoes at the front door become ridiculous, I just deal. 

Should: Go on a real vacation
Actuality: Family reunion and lots of hiking.  I do not consider family reunions to be vacations.  Let me explain why:  I am a bedtime-at-nine kind of a girl.  I go to family reunions knowing that I will be socially obligated to stay up later.  That's fine.  It's not a complaint, its an acknowledgement of the duties that are part of being in a family.  It s just that I am going to be up by 6 regardless of bedtime,  Which means that I come away from family reunions more exhausted than if I had been working a normal work week.  By the end I usually come to a state of physical and emotional exhastion that is marked by laughing too loudly, saying nonsensical sentences in response to otherwise normal conversations, and bursting into tears over things like fruit.  (Its just so pretty.  And Yummy.  I love it so much.  Sniffle.)  Thus I return from a family reunion in need of recovery time and a real vacation.  Unfortunately, when I got back from this reunion I immediately worked a full week including all-day-saturday babysitting jobs.  The hiking has been my way of appeasing myself.  I go 2 or three times a week with my friend, and it is early morning therapy and a reminder that if I could go on vacation, it would probably be to right here, and I would probably spend the days hiking.  So instead of a week of 10 hour walks in the mountains, I am doing frequent 2 hour walks through the mountains.  All of this would be null and void if I could just go to Paris.  I have been missing Paris particularly over the last few weeks, but alas, my fare tracker says flights are currently $1500, so no Paris for me.  Maybe next year.

There may yet be a real vacation weekend in store for me this summer.  We'll see.

Should: Memorize music, read more books, keep my academic brain in shape, and figure out a research proposal for my master's thesis.
Actuality: Finished the books I originally posted about, haven't picked up another since (maybe next week) realized the toughest music we have to memorize in choir is in French (Any self-respecting female vocalist is already at least familiar with the Habanera from Carmen, right?) and have avoided all things related to my masters program.  One of the girls in my class kept texting me about next years texts books during the family reunion, but I think I ignored her into silence.  I have started to doubt my choice and my ability to finish, but will work through that when its time to start again, since I sort of burned other bridges, quit my job, and invested in one year.  I'm not about to walk away now.  As for the Master's thesis: Maybe I can use something from that storage box full of teachers commentary about my aversion to touch and hypersentivity to sensory experiences.  Undiagnosed Asperger's?  Maybe.  I know the autism awareness train is hugely popular right now.  I just wonder how much of the increased diagnosis is simply because of the awareness, and there are in fact hundreds of individuals that went undiagnosed 20, 30, and 40 years ago that just cope now.  I wonder how we figured out how to cope, how many ended up with some other diagnosis or disorder, and how suddenly labeling what was formerly just labeled as "weird" with a DSM diagnosis will impact the future of society. 

See, the academic stuff is still there.  It's just simmering. 

Should: Lighten up
Actuality: I have, in my own way. 

And maybe the dude with the naked baby was onto something.  Its summertime.  Diapering will get done eventually, and if there is a mess, we'll clean it up.  But for now, Live a little. Run free, and let others do the same.  After all, the only reason I put on pants was because I went on a hike and am now sitting on my porch.  Maybe I'll go back in and take them off again. 

Bullying part 2

We interrupt your irregularly scheduled questions for something that seems like a bigger deal.  To me, at least it does.  On my post about bullying Bernda (former roommate.  And no, I did not spell that wrong. :)) asked for some more of my thoughts on bullying, particularly as they relate to school programs and raising awareness and such.  I have strong feelings regarding this.  They may or may not be useful, they may or may not be well-formed, and they may or may not be offensive.  But I am fairly certain they are doctrinally based, so I won't apologize.  I haven't posted them before because they aren't very well formed or easily articulated yet.  But maybe this will help. 

Schools are becoming more and more aware of the problems and dangers of bullying.  Either kids are going to more extremes in their responses, or the news/media outleets have figured out that this is a story that sells and so they pick it up more often.  Either way, an evening doesn't pass without at least some mentioning of bullying.

And the story does sell, because everyone has experienced bullying in their life to some degree or another.  We grown ups to whom the news story is marketed have some gutteral response to the bullying story.  And so the news makes a bigger deal out of it in order to sell more commercial time and the kids see that we are making a bigger deal out of it, so they respond to it in bigger ways.

Now don't you dare think that I'm saying "we all went through it and everyone just needs to stop making a big deal out of it!".  That's not my messsage at all.  Bullying has been wrong for as long as it has existed, and the fact that the media is finally picking up on it is interesting and impacts the whole mess in a magnifying sort of way, on every level. 

I believe quite firmly that the media and the most well-advertised programs out there are doing it wrong.  All wrong. 

Because if you think about what the world values and what the trendy words are for school character programs and business models and everything in between, you don't have to look as far as the Pride Parade to see the words "tolerance," "awareness," and "acceptance".

At my work we honor "diversity" and the diversity team leader's job is to promote tolerance, awareness, and acceptance.

But frankly, Yikes.

Think about what those terms really mean.

Think about how you would respond if your child's teacher told you they could "tolerate" your child, that they were "aware" of your child's difficulties, and that they "accepted" them. 

I have neices and nephews and a myriad of other children that I adore and care for, and let me tell you, they aren't even my children, but if heard that they were being merely tolerated by a teacher who was basically aware and who simply accepted them, I would come unglued.

I tolerate lots of things.  Spiders that eat mosquitos. Pepperoni on my pizza. Baby puke as part of my job. I am aware of massacres in Syria and human rights injustices in Myanmar.  I accept paying bills, textbook prices, and having to do the dishes. But given a choice, I would have neither spiders nor mosquitoes, ham on my pizza, and babies would eat their dinner without regurgitating it, Syria and Myanmar would stop torturing people, and I would be financially secure and own a dishwasher.

Tolerance, awareness, and acceptance are for things that we resent but recognize as facts of life.  They are not for the people around us, children of God, and immortals with eternal potential.

New programs may attempt to promote "awareness" because they are supposed to remain morally and politically neutral.  What they really do is tell a story and label it as "bad" or "good".  But here's the interesting thing about this kind of labeling and awareness: it doesn't magically make people choose the good.  We live in a world where people choose the "bad" all the time, regardless of whether or not we know and understand it as bad.  None of us is above this.  Anyone who has seen Ocean's Eleven has cheered on the guys who were robbing a casino!  Awareness may paste a label onto a behavior, but it does nothing to prevent or promote whatever brand of morality is on the table.  In fact, it teaches us what our options are and assumes that we'll be nice, without acknowledging that there are those who will take the lesson and choose to be mean. 

And now you are thinking that I am saying to stop the awareness campaigns because they are just teaching the bad guys how to be bad.  I'm not saying that either.  Awareness and education is always a better choice than nothing at all (and I could go into a tangent about sex education here too, but I won't).  The problem is that awareness is the only the first step, and when you stop there, all you have done is shown people their options without teaching them how to really acheive anything. 

My point is, awareness and tolerance and acceptance are the very least we can offer.  They are the lowest fundamentals of human relationships and most people allow even their enemies that much. 

So the school program that invites lectures and character education is not any different from the business that has a diversity training program in order to cover their butts for Equal Opportunity purposes.  Its enough to cover legal issues.  Its not enough to change the world or even one life. The bullies that hear such things will simply learn how to bully around the edges and win the game, and the kind people that hear such things already have behavior that puts them beyond the scope of such topics. 

So if you want to cover your butt and live in a world where people tolerate you, then awareness lectures are just fine. 

And to some point, that's all you can (and must) legally offer. 

The problem I see is that we live in a world that is starving for more.

Now let's return to all those kids that I adore.  What is the "more" that I want for them?  What do I want out of their teachers that goes beyond acceptance and awareness and tolerance?

I want those teachers to love them.  I want them to cheer them on, to offer support and kindness.  I want the other kids in their classes to see how remarkable they are and to love them too. 

And thus we return to what I have said and will continue saying every chance I get. Love is love.  There is nothing better and anything less simply doesn't have the power to help, change lives, teach, encourage, or improve the world. 

And frankly, bullying won't stop until we replace it with something better. 

I guess that's really my point.  Acceptance is the bare minimum, it covers legal ground, but it is simply not good enough for any child of God.  Bullying is awful, but telling someone to eliminate a behavior with words like "stop" or "don't" doesn't teach them how to actually behave.  It creates a void, and the void will be filled with what people know.  And if all people know is bullying, then the void will simply be filled with, perhaps different, but more bullying. 

Remember the video with the running kid and the gym teacher?  You should watch it:

 

Now. Look at that remarkable gym teacher.  He didn't "tolerate" a kid with cerebral palsy choosing to run 400 meters.  And his actions set an example for the other children in the class. 

If we really want to do something about bullying, then we have to stop basically covering our asses with the requisite legal training and awareness programs.  Schools and media have been trying this approach for years, and they continue to be mystifies as to why their "awareness" doesn't put a halt to the behavior.  To some extent, this brand of awareness honors bullying.  It puts the attention on the individuals who are seeking attention, thus rewarding whatever their behavior was.  If you really want to change the situation, you acknowledge the bad behavior then you teach the proper behavior.  You honor those who act appropriately, and you set an example of "good".  You fill the void with positive. 

And frankly, it doesn't come through formal training programs, diversity meetings, and cheesy reward systems.  That teacher may well receive an award, but those come after the behavior has been set out as a standard. He didn't do it for an award.  He did it because he clearly loved that student. 

If you want to change the world around you, be it a school program or a work setting or a social gathering, you are just going to have to start setting an example for love and encouraging others to do the same thing.  And maybe there is a way to create a better program that actually teaches the positive behavior instead of simply condeming the negative.  But even that program will not have as much power as the gym teacher who ran with the struggling kid. 

Honestly, the only thing we can do is love those around us, and be an example of that love to the children we are trying to teach.  We can invite other adults to do the same, and we can perhaps offer them some insights regarding specific situations.  But the only variable that has a place in every setting is love.  And love should not be a variable.  It should be a constant. Other things come and go as appropriate and as needed.  I'm certainly not saying that love is the only thing necessary. I'm saying its the first thing that should be put in place and the only thing that can really be relied on. As long as you won't get rid of bullying until you replace it with a constant, you may as well replace it with the only universal constant.

A wedding, new shoes, and a calling

Don't worry I'll get back to questions soon.  I believe Jammie's is next on the list.  But I've been busy like a madman lately, and I figured I'd throw a little stuff out here.  I've been lucky enough to get a lot of hours at work lately.  I say lucky, because I know my budget needs it oh so much. Oh the budget. I'm going to make it now.  There have been so many gifts that have come in every shape and size, not the least of which are the opportunities to work. But with all the babysitting, I don't have spare moments and find myself running from one thing to the next.  I've worked 30-40 hours at my "job" and added babysitting on top of that.  It's been a little busy. Today I finally had a few breathing moments and I took a 3 hour nap.  I think I was allowed it, though, since I had to be up at 5.  More on that in a minute.

This weekend I attended my friend Tricia's wedding.  It was lovely.  Really a perfect day. And Tricia is one of those perfectly perfect people who deserves every happiness, and I have honestly never seen a happier bride.  I don't know if anything went wrong or not, but I do know that if it did, she wasn't phased by it.  She just kept grinning and her cute new hubby just kept gazing at her and it made for a lovely day.  Rumor is that there wasn't a single meltdown.  Now that's remarkable. 

We went to the sealing, then we went shopping for wedding presents and bought shoes for ourselves as well.  I felt guilty at first, for getting shoes when I was supposed to be focusing on a present for someone else, and for spending money.  But as I considered returning the shoes I realized a few things.  First of all, shoes are an essential.  I can hardly walk around barefoot, now can I?  Second of all, I didn't actually own a pair of sensible tennis shoes.  They were on sale too.  And the not-sensible pair was on clearance for $10.  So there, shoe police!

(Do you see how I am rationalizing the shoes?) The other reason I decided that the shoe shopping was justified is just this:  I go to a lot of weddings.  I resent how many weddings I've attended and smiled through.  And while I didn't feel the usual frustration/mystification/begrudging/hurt that I frequently feel at weddings (seriously, Tricia is that wonderful, I couldn't begin to be grumpy at her happiness, nor did I have any doubts or questions at the match) I still recognize the emotional tendancy for weddings to throw me into a depression.  I'm just being honest, and if you'd like to judge me for it go on ahead.  It's not bitterness, its just the natural response to watching your own hopes be realized by someone else.  Anyways.  Weddings usually send me into a tailspin for a day or two.  But instead of crawling into a hole and crying for a day, I got up on sunday morning and put on a new pair of shoes as if I was sticking my tongue out at the whole world.  Fine.  I'll be single.  But I'll be single with fabulous shoes. And the longer I'm single, the more shoes I will be collecting.   And I know Tricia wouldn't begrudge me the shoes or the self-indulgence.  She herself is the owner of a fabulous pair of red heels that came at the agonizing potential of missing a bus in Philadelphia.  She knows shoes.

While I'm talking about weddings, I should mention that ribbing the groom about how long it took him to find a bride is a bit inappropriate.  Especially on his wedding day to my perfect friend.  Sure its a fun little joke.  But if he had raced off and married the first nice girl he met after his mission, he wouldn't have ended up with my amazing friend.  Or if they had met and married earlier, neither of them would ahve had the experiences that have made them as fabulous as they are now.  Everyone has a different path.  And for some people, that whirlwind romance in your early 20's is just right.  Others wait a bit, experience some life, make a career, maybe join a choir, meet more people and see more life, and their path should not be mocked. These guys are barely 30.  They still have plenty of time to be married and have kids and all that. 

Tiny Soapbox. 

But Nancy, non of this explains why you were up at 5 this morning!
Oh yes, that.
Well I have a new calling. 
And I won't share details here. 
But I am now an organist in the Salt Lake Temple and this morning was my first shift. 
Now I'm not great, but I'll get better. 
And as far as callings in the church go, I'm feeling pretty awesome.

Just think about it.  As a kid, Temple Square was where we came on vacation.  It was our tourist destination of choice.  Now I spend more time there every week than I spend at my own home.  And I spend it there doing music-y things that I love. This weird little girl from podunk minnesota didn't stay stuck.  And all those people that said I should just get a job in the window factory and resign myself to a life of nothing and nowhere can eat it. 

I'm not saying I did it alone, or at all, I'm not saying I have arrived, and I'm not taking credit.  I'm just saying they were wrong.  And when I told them I had a bigger life in front of me, I was right. There have been a hundred people on the road telling me to give up.  And there have been a hundred more telling me to keep going.  And more than any of those people, there have been a select few marvelous incredible people who not only told me to keep going, they showed me how.  They took me by the hand and taught me things and showed me the next few steps on the path, and when I was ready to listen to the naysayers, they wouldn't let me.  So it's not all me.  There are people who deserve so much credit for my happiness.  And anyone who has ever given encouragement has a place in my heart.  I'm ready to keep going for a bit longer.  There are miles yet to travel.

Falling Asleep

Amy asked "What were you thinking about right before you fell asleep?" 

I can tell you, but someone out there is bound to take offense. 
And some of you might just discover how prude I really am, deep down in my heart of hearts.
And some of you might feel like I am being self-righteous.
Please know that I am keenly aware of a huge number of flaws and more keenly aware that I have more flaws than I am aware of.  We are all working towards goals, and even these little blogposts are just snapshots of moments along the road. 

What I'm saying is, I have a long way to go.  So does everyone else. This does not represent a destination or a judgement of someone elses journey.  Just my thoughts about where our journeys are taking us as I talk myself to sleep each night.

That being said, feel free to take offense.  And then make an honest evaluation of what that offense means for you rather than for the person you feel has handed it out. 

After all, interactions are more about people than people want to cop to. 

Once again, I'm getting ahead of myself. 

I've been intending to write a post of this nature for some time. Perhaps that's why its on my mind as I fall asleep.  Something needs to be said.

On Saturday, I got bullied a bit.  It was completely uncalled for and it impacted a group of people, not just myself.  Some of the women who were around me when it happened actually cried a bit.  I did not.  I got mad. There was no reason for any of us to be treated in such a manner.  But the individual doing the bullying is a frequent perpetrator of general meanness and nastiness, and while she has caused me tears in the past, this time I was done.  Infuriated. 

I stewed for a while.  I recognized that this individual probably treats those around her like this because this is how she is treated in her own life.  I don't think that's an excuse, especially for a grown up who is responsibile and intelligent.  We choose our actions. I do think part of the problem is that this person is so power hungry they no longer recognize the injuries they cause to those around them. They block out feeling in an act of self-protection, but doing so means they feel nothing for those around them, or that they assume those around them have done the same and will also feel nothing. 

But its deceptive.  Because you can pretend all you want that you or others aren't feeling, but all you are doing is pretending, and the reality is that your hurts and the hurts of others are all there, getting jumbled up in a game of pointing fingers of blame and responsibility.

And its inappropriate that anyone should act this way.  Children do it as a learned behavior, grown ups need to move beyond it.

So I was angry.  And hurt.  And I knew that I was the undeserving victim of a chain of bullying, and while I have no idea who started it, I'm certain every perpetrator would point their finger of blame at the person who hurt them and eventually it could simply be traced back to Cain and Abel.  But they aren't responsbile for the actions of last saturday.  Regardless of blame, regardless of "who started it" we each have to take responsibility for our own actions.

Which leads me to Sunday.  When I was already feeling hurt, angry, and vulnerable.  And this guy started pushing my buttons.  He always pushes my buttons.  But this time I was through.  I was already on the edge and maybe all he did was all he does everytime we hang out, but instead of forcing a good-natured smile, I spoke my mind.  And regardless of the number of times I've thought it, He didn't deserve to have my mind spoken to him.  And that's how I became the bully.

I told you, I am keenly aware of imperfections in my character. 

And I agonized over it for a day or two.  I argued over it in my mind.  He deserved it.  He has deserved it for a long time.  No, he didn't, you've never given him indication of your irritation or any correction.  Yes I have, I'm constantly telling him to back off.  No, he did nothing different than the usual ribbing.  But I've had enough. 

And that's where I saw that it was my problem.  I had enough.  I was over the edge.  I spoke my mind.  I am responsible for my own actions.  And to run around declaring that he deserved it or he asked for it was to be no better than the woman who had bullied me.  The chain had to stop with someone taking responsibility, and it may as well be with me.

So I swallowed my pride.  I called him, he didn't answer, (I don't blame him, I was pretty mean) and so I texted my apology.  And he accepted, and I think things are fine.  Pretty anti-climactic for how much pride I had to swallow. 

But at least I have some self-righteous assurance that I am not the same person as the woman who tore into me. 

Bullies use shame.  They make their victim feel as though its their own fault they have been picked on.  The weak members of the herd are singled out, and left feeling as though its their own fault for being weak.  And they are told that their choice is to remain weak and continue as victims or to become strong by being the bully themselves.  And so bullies beget bullies. 

And I'm not sure that there is a way to stop someone else from bullying.  But you can stop yourself.  You don't have to create yet another link in the chain, you don't have to build another bully. There is no guarantee that the person you attack will be willing or able to stop the cycle, so you have to stop it yourself.  And you stop it with words.  You label what is happening, you label the actions of yourself and of those around you.  You label responsibilities.  And you don't do it in an accusatory or self defensive way.  You state the facts. 

My facts were, I was overwhelmed with emotion and I took it out on someone.  I chose a target and I behaved inappropriately.  I apologized. 

See how those were all of the "I".  The ideas that someone caused my emotional distress, that someone may have 'deserved' retribution, or anything indicating blame are removed.  This is not a court of law designed for witnesses and punishment and retribution.  It is a relationship with real people who are only and completely responsible for their own actions. 

I can also choose to stop my interactions with those who casue emotional distress in my life.  I can choose to walk away from those offenses.  No matter what, I am responsible.  No one, not the mean lady, the button-pusher, Cain and Abel, or the devil himself makes me do or feel anything. 

So stop saying it.  Stop saying the devil is making you grumpy today.  Its simply not true and it is damaging to give him that kind of power.

Now you know as well as I do that stresses add up.  Its never just one person or one incident that causes the disaster.  The proverbial straw that broke the camel's back comes in a whole pile of straws, any one of which can be added or removed to change the camel's burden. 

It works the other way too. The positive way.  Think for a moment of the number of times you have needed rescuing in your life.  The accumulated good deeds help make you the person that has survived countless attacks.  You don't get resuced once and call it a life. You get pulled from the mud countless times.  And those times will continue throughout your life. 

Its easy to dish out bullying another as often as we have felt bullied.  But have you rescued others as often as you have felt rescued?

There is a deficit in this world.  I have no idea if the deficit is because of an overabundance of negative deeds and emotions being slung around, or by the lack of good deeds.  You break even if you meet bully for bully and smile for smile.  But you can double your returns if you replace the negative with a positive. 

I'm still working on it.  I certainly haven't returned a smile to the bully lady.  I've been focused on undoing my own bullying.  The only thing more difficult than apologizing for my own behavior will be swallowing my pride to be kind in the face of someone who has mistreated me.

So my last thought as I went to sleep was "I can't be nice to her. I won't.  She doesn't deserve it."
But I know that eventually I will be. Eventually.  I'll need a little more time. I'll wallow in my deficit for a bit longer.  Maybe I'll make a list of nice things I can do for others before I finally come to terms with being nice to her.

A commercial

From Jenny:
If you could be in a commercial for anything you wanted, what would it be and what would you do and say?

The fun answer is:
Golden Grahams. I love golden Grahams. I love them so much, I only eat them about once a year, because I don't want them to lose their appeal from eating them all the time. That happened to me with cinnamon life. Sometimes I think I could love it again the way I used to, but I buy it and have less than a bowl and am tired of it. So golden grahams stay sacred. One box for my birthday. One box at some other point in the year. Rationed joy. I would do a commercial for them.

But commercials for kids cereals are generally obnoxious.

I think there should be a campaign for adults to eat Golden Grahams. Not spouting anything healthy (that would ruin it for sure) But maybe some sort of confession. Hi. My name is Nancy. I'm a grown up. And I eat Golden Grahams for my Birthday. In fact, there could be any number of people confessing. Hi. I'm Joe. I'm a grown up. And I eat Lucky Charms for dinner every Friday night. Hi. I'm Angela. I'm a grown up. And I eat Fruit Loops to get through boring business meetings. Hi. I'm Ethan. I'm a grown up and a lawyer. And I eat Frosted Flakes during legal depositions. They are part of my $500/hour fee.

But that's all silliness. Reality about me and commercials is easy.
The easy answer is: Been there, done that!

Wanna see?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4Tx30zlx3Q

There I am, from :19-:22 
3 seconds of me singing one of my favorite pieces of music ever. 
Oh I know if you read this then you are already aware of my obsession with the choir.  And maybe you are bored of hearing about it. Don't care.  If there is anything I want to be associated with, this is it.  And if there is anything I want the world to know about regardless of who I am, this is it.  And so honestly, If I could really do a commercial for anything, this is it.

When I saw it on TV, I just about fell off my couch.  I looked it up on youtube and saved a copy for myself.  I am that much of a dork. 

"Things that Ryhme with Butter"

How do I love Kim?  Let me count the ways. 

I love her like a Nutter Butter loves being dipped in chocolate milk. 
And the way Laman loved to mutter.
And the way birds flutter.
And while we are on the subject:

Words cannot utter
The perfectness of combining chocolate and nutter
For privacy I close the shutter,
To indulge in a snack of divinity utter,
The chocoalte milk nutter butter
Where even the sludge of a broken nutter
Does not cause me to cringe or mutter,
But to seek a spoon to retrieve said soggy nutter clutter
From it's milky gutter
At such a state I do not stutter,
Nor sputter at the soggy nutter
Instead I feel my stomach with joy flutter
As I contemplate the texture and flavor what're
Found in eating soggy nutter clutter
from a sludgy chocolate milk gutter.


The End.