Friday, July 23, 2010

A Bachelorette

My roommate watches lots of TV. She doesn't schedule her life around it or anything, she just records a ton of shows and then watches them as she gets bored in the evenings. She just likes to have some shows to watch and she likes them to be the up and coming hottest topic type shows that all the cool people are talking about. (For example, not Glee. Or Chuck. Or Psych. Or NCIS. The shows that all the geeks are talking about) The reality TV programs are what fascinate me the most, because, you see, while I understand a little Amazing Race and a season or two of Dancing with the Stars, she leans towards a more scandal-laden variety. She is catching up on her "Kendra" and thrilled with whoever won America's Top Model. She keeps up with the Kardashians and there was one that I don't even know the title of about a loser who lived in his parents basement and all the girls were vying to be his girlfriend. She eats it up when Donald Trump forces celebrites to turn on each other and she cheers on her favorite big losers with Bob and Jill or whatever their names are. Most of all though, she loves the Bachelor and Bachelorette series. She actually had a few copies of those trashy magazines detailing Jake's realtionship with Vienna. She was thrilled when "Ally" was chosen as the new bachelorette. Because you see, Ally really was the best one last season, and it was so smart of her to leave for her job, and so dumb of Jake not to take her back, and she just deserves a chance at love.
So then came the new season premier of the Bachelorette. I was sitting in my room reading for most of the evening, however I did something funny to my neck and was starting to get a headache from holding a book up. It being too early to go to bed, I wandered into the living room to seee if I could catch the Chuck season finale, when she excitedly told me that she was about to start the bachelorette and didn't I want to join her!? All right. Maybe I'd like it. Maybe I'd pick up a few dating tips. Or maybe some social skills for dealing with a generation of people who eat this stuff up. At the very least, I would end up with something to talk to people about, right? And I figured the worst that could happen is that I would be bored and go to bed early. There are some seriously stupid people out there! But I did come away wondering some things. First of all, knowing that each of those poor sad jerks was trying to put his best face forward in order to end up with a hot blond creates an interesting atomosphere. I mean, dating already sucks to be sure. But these guys are actually begging to be put in the worst dating situation possible, and they are banking on being able to come out of it looking good. Yikes! And then there is all this business with roses. Who gets the first impression rose, who is there for themselves and who goes home that first night beacuse they just couldn't stand out in a crowd. People seriously volunteer for this?
I started thinking, each of them is trying so hard to look his very best for cameras and for the generic (and mindless) hot blond. They must have some performance skills. There must be some character they are trying to play. They are trying to guess what she wants and she is trying to guess who they are and the production crew is trying to find the most dramatic aspects of their trying and lying in order to exploit them all. I'm pretty sure they choose the people with the most conflicting mental illnesses and personality disorders in order to guarantee interest. If it were my own dating life it would never even sell a local car commercial slot. This thing called reality TV is less real than regular TV.
So with fiction on my brain, I hve composed my own version of the Bachelorette, staring myself. Yes, indeed I am submitting my name to the networks as desperate single girl number one. I'm not quite skinny and not quite blond, but I have my own set of personality disorders and promise to overanalyze every behavior so that I occasionally cry for the cameras and pit the unwitting victims against each other.
Now for the men! Bring them on! What is that, you say, no one applied for the position? Well that's not surprising in the least, I mean, no one has in years really. But I make do. So we will here. Rather than choosing real men who are as false as any fictional character, I shall select my 25 bachelors from among the fictional characters who are as real to me as any dating I have done in the past 10 years. (yes, its been that long.) Or as Tenessee Williams stated so beautifully: "They give you the illusion that has the appearance of truth. I give you truth in the pleasant guise of illusion." — The Glass Menagerie ...

Here is the show opener: I am standing on the front porch of the giant mansion selected for filming the show. I am of course decked out in something long and gorgeous and formal and romantic-y. It probably involves diamonds. Understated diamonds. I don't want to look too high maintenance. Not that it matters, after all these boys are coming to compete for me. Its evening and the porch is shiny. I don't know why the porch is shiny, it just looks shiny on tv. Also there are lots of flowers all over the place. They're probably fake, but I won't look too closely to find out, after all this daydream is all about deluding myself. There has already been a montage of me, my childhood, my dating life, all of the fabulous successes in my life mixed with a few moments of me looking humble about having messed a few things up but still coming off gracefully in the end. Now I am waiting on the shiny porch with the fake flowers and a smarmy host who has just stated something stupidly obvious as the first limo pulls up.

So who is in it? I want to hear your suggestions. Characters from books, prefferably, since if you know me at all, you know they are who I know best. Let's write a Bachelorette script for the book nerds. Who runs away to an ex-girlfriend, who do I boot off week 1, who is actually gay, who is just a player, which of the guys fight with each other, and who do I end up with in the end? I've followed a season of this crap now, and I think we could write it better and make it more real than the producers at whatever generic broadcasting company. Let's write it and sell it.

PS. Just FYI, in case you do watch it, you should know that I like Chris, but I know she'll choose Roberto. Which means Chris could be the new Bachelor. Which is fine by me. He's too good for Ally, but in a new season, at least he'll have his pick and his opportunity to show off his own flaws. And if I were a size 4 blond, I might go after him too. But maybe that's his flaw number one, he'd never date a girl like me.