The Rules

I have a new roommate.
Sigh.
Yet another fine individual that will hopefully be temporary. She's 20. I know lots of 20 year olds, I even like lots of 20 year olds. But living with a 20 year old is a different skill than liking one. And living with a 20 year old while I am 35 is an even more particular skill. One that I do not have.
She talks about boys. Fine. I like boys. But she talks about boys ALL THE TIME. I like him, I don't like him, he likes me, he loves me, he wants to marry me, I don't want to marry him but I don't want him to date anyone else, he is so dumb, boys are so dumb, boys are sending mixed signals, his mom thinks I'm just playing with him, I am just playing with him, it goes on and on and on.

Sometimes she talks about work instead. My boss sucks, my co-workers suck, that lady was mean, I was mean, my boss won't let me watch movies, the mean lady reported me for being mean when all I was doing was being mean back to her...

I'm so tired.

I so look forward to a day when the question of "who I live with" will no longer be in constant transition. I don't care what makes it stop, I just don't want to have to switch roommates again. At least not after I trade out this one. And I'm certain she's temporary.

I was getting frustrated the other night. I went to bed as usual around 10 pm. She was in her room watching a movie. I turned off the lights in the house, locked the door and went to bed. I heard her get up and go to her car for something around 11. I was bugged when I woke up at 2 in the morning to notice that the hallway lights were on. She was clearly in bed asleep. I went to turn off the lights, and discovered that the bathroom lights were on too. And the living room. And the kitchen. And the door was left unlocked. Have you seen my house? Because guess what. THAT'S EVERY ROOM IN THE HOUSE. Except mine.

I have been known to leave a light on now and again. Particularly when I am home alone or scared for some silly reason. But every light? After I had already turned them off?

And leaving to door unlocked? It happens. But there have been a number of times in the last few weeks when I have come home and she is at work and the lights are on and the door is unlocked and its the middle of the day.

And I thought about telling her that there are some rules. Like turn off the lights and lock the door. But I don't want to be that roommate who makes all the rules and is a total nasty person. By the way. She moved in the first week of December and she hasn't done the dishes once. Not once.

Sigh.

SO.

I need to get the rules off my chest.

The rules of living with Nancy.
These have been developed over 85 roommates and 20 years.

If you think you could live like this, please by all means, APPLY!

1. Turn off the lights
2. Lock the doors
3. If you are throwing away fast food cups full of soda, dump the soda out before putting the cups in the trash.
4. If you are putting dishes in the sink, scrape the food/bones/napkin/etc off into the trash before dumping the dishes in the sink.
5. If you (or I) have a deadline, dishes in the sink are just fine.
6. If there are too many dishes to fit in the sink, they are top priority. Deadllines don't matter.
7. There is no purpose to making the bed. If I feel like it, it will happen. If you feel like making your bed, go for it.
8. I am obsessive about having a clean stovetop. Wipe spills, clean spots, and count on the fact that I will probably bleach it every day.
9. Don't touch my crepe pan. Don't use it, and if you do use it, don't wash it. I will take care of it. If you ruin it, I would greatly appreciate a replacement.
10. Karaoke is not for singing in tune. Neither is the shower.
11. Cereal can and will be eating at any time of day and out of any container available.
12. Cereal is sacred. I don't share it.
13. I'm happy to share baking ingredients. Except for chocolate chips.
14. I'm a bit like Sheldon (Big Bang Theory) I have a spot where I sit. If you sit there, I will feel very lost.
15. Chocolate Ice Cream is very messy. When I eat it, it will be on my face, my clothes, and probably onthe furniture. Deal with it.
16. Clothes go in your bedroom, not the bathroom, living room, kitchen, etc. If you are doing laundry, I get it. Once its clean and dry, get it off my couch/floor/etc.
17. Pay rent on time. I have a great relationship with my landlord. Don't mess with it.
18. I hate pizza boxes. If you seriously ordered a pizza and then didn't eat any of it, go ahead and put it in the fridge. If not, let's put the leftovers in bags/containers and throw away the box. Sooner rather than later.
19. Speaking of pizza boxes, they go in the recycling.
20. If the recylcing or trash is full, take it out. Don't add to the pile spilling over the top forcing me to dig through trash to find the edge of the liner, dump it all over the floor or myself.
21. Park respectfully. Don't block the sidewalk/walkways. And if you are going out of town for a while, don't take up the good spot.
22. The hours between midnight and 4 am are quiet time. Unless we are doing something ridiculous and silly together, you should be very respectful of quiet. Don't show up and start packing boxes at that time of night either. I'm only asking for four hours. That's not unreasonable.
23. No boys overnight. Duh.
24. Music is important to me. If you are listening to it without headphones, then I am listening to it too. Let's talk about that. I might veto some music. You are welcome to veto some of mine. I know my taste can be particular, I try to be flexible. Please offer me the same courtesy.
25. Sheryl Crow sucks. Her voice grates on my nerves like a motorcyclist hitting pavement at 75 miles per hour. Without a helmet. I veto her entirely and always.
26. You know the little plug-pull thingy that stops the bathtub faucet and turns on the shower? Please push it back down after you get out of the shower. This is a ridiculous pet-peeve of mine. I recognize it as ridiculous, and I still want you to push it back down.
27. Do not give me or ask for advice on marriage/boys/dating. Clearly my track record does not reveal skills that you want. And as far as your advice goes, I've probably heard it. I'm happy to discuss joys and pains, even as they relate to dating. But as soon as you say "what should I do?" or "you should..." I'm out. (This rule goes for friendships, aquaintances, family members, classmates, and perfect strangers as well.)

Now I know this nearly thirty items long. But I really don't see this as being unreasonable. There are a few absolutes. But overall, I'm a very nice person. Most of this should be logic to any grown up. Shouldn't it?