I just need to write. Not edit, just write.

What is it about spending the day with people you love? I spent yesterday dreading this week, even knowing that I still had the day off today, somehow church time sent me into the anxiety spiral of knowing that the end of the weekend was approaching. And this morning when I got up, I was in a frantic state of needing to accomplish things and make the day worthwhile in order to feel better about the upcoming work week. I just kept coming up with tasks to accomplish telling myself the entire time that no matter how I spent the rest of the day, it would not be wasted because I had at least finished _____. (list mindless grown up task here) I washed and vacuumed the car, I filed papers, I alphabetized books, I cleaned up computer files, I sorted laundry, I went to the store and ran a myriad of errands. And by noon, I was still in a state of panic that tomorrow would come and I wouldn't be emotionally ready for it. But at noon I met a friend for lunch, and we chatted for an hour and then chatted for another hour and I was starting to relax. Then I met more friends who were headed out for lunch so I joined them and just got a soda and we chatted and chatted and did various mindless grown up tasks that were not that different from the mindless tasks I had spent the morning doing. Yet somehow, I was feeling more ready for the week. And the whole time, one of my favorite lines of poetry was running in and out of my head. "Oh if thou lovest not whom I love, alas thou lovest not me"

And then suddenly I was driving home, an hour's drive, and feeling worlds better than I had at the beginning of the day. And that phrase bouncing around in my head started to make even more sense than it had before. You see, before when I considered it I simply loved the obvious connection it had to atonement and gospel principles. And I loved the idea that in order to love me you have to make some effort to know and understand the things and people that I love. But tonight I finally began to sense a deeper reality to it. You see, when there are people that you love, really love, and you let them love you, then you begin to affect each other. In the same way that you pick up inside jokes from your friends, you pick up quirks and mannerisms from those you love. You share experiences, you share ideas and opinions and inspiration and bits of you begin to reflect those that you love the same way that bit of them begin to reflect you. And while you always remain truly yourself, you also reflect those that you love because somehow when you let them in, and when you let them take a piece of you, you also took a piece of them. I'm not even just talking about those deep friendships that last 20 years or a lifetime or an eternity. I am also talking about the little friendships that might just be blossoming or that might only last a month or two. I'm talking about any relationship where you see something that you admire and you make that person your friend and that trait becomes a part of you. And suddenly you realize that you are becoming like those that you love. And maybe it helps you to love yourself a little more. Or maybe it helps you to love your friends a little more. But either way, no one can possibly love all of you without loving also those that you love, because the whole you that needs to be loved includes all sorts of bits you have collected from those that you love. And we fill in the missing bits or the rough bits of ourselves with the good bits from those that we love and it would be impossible to seperate out the bits of me that you think are more me than the bits of me that are in fact from someone that I love. So if you don't love those that I love, you can't possibly love me.

Does that make any sense at all?

Whether you understand it or not, it comes to this: There are people that love me. All of me. including the bits of me that still need working on. And I love them back. Including the bits of them that still need working on. And the idea that we are all working on things and willing to love and help each other through the rough bits is in fact the foundation of the Atonement and of hope and of repentance and of forgiveness and of love. And with friends like that, I can face a work week full of people that aren't willing to give me chances. Because you see, my hope has to come from a better place. It comes from a place where people think that bits of me are good enough to include in themselves. And it comes from a place where bits of my friends have made me a better person as well.

And all of that means that I am better prepared for the week, simply because for a few hours today, I loved some people and they loved me back.

It's John Donne, by the way. Not one of his sonnets (which are also fantastic) but a poem. I'll have to look it up., and perhaps toss in an edit with more of the text. But the important part is:

Oh if thou lovest not whom I love, alas, thou lovest not me.