Count Your Many Blessings

*this post is a little more serious and introspective than usual, and I thought it would only be right to warn you of that.

My Stake President in Minnesota was one of the most fantastic church leaders I have ever had the opportunity to get to know. I hung out with his daughter a little at BYU, and then when I moved back to Minnesota, I was invited on a Nauvoo road trip with the singles. I got to hang out with President Payne and his wife, and President Kerr and his wife during the 7 hour bus ride there and back, and we all laughed pretty hard the whole way. It's amazing how laughing with someone can create a relationship of love and respect as quickly as mourning with them. It's the in-between relationships that I struggle with. For some reason, when I know that someone can laugh at the same things as me, I find it easier to trust them with the real me.

(Tangent, again.)

So about my stake president. We became friends. He came to teach my seminary class one morning, and it was a wonderful experience, he called me and asked to interview me just to see how I was doing, which was a much needed experience, and every time I spoke with him, he took an extra 45 seconds to smile, ask me how I really was, and offer me some extra love and support. I generally don't ask for help, especially from busy church leaders, (I pride myself on being the kind of Mormon that the Bishop doesn't have to worry about. Sort of an ironic twisted kind of pride, I know.) But with him I never had to ask for help, nor did I even have to accept it, as there was no question in offering it. This all came at a point of deep emotional struggle in my life, and I am big time grateful for it.

Well, last May he invited the stake to keep a daily gratitude journal, and so of course I followed his counsel. It's always easier to follow the counsel of a leader who is also your friend. We are four months in, and I am no longer a member of his stake, but we are supposed to send him a copy before the next conference and I still think I will do that. As I was perusing my list, I felt like in a note of seriousness, I should post it here. Again, I don't want to breech too much that is personal, so I may skip some days.

Things I am Grateful For

May 18- Every talk at that conference was written for me.
19- The spirit of the conference stayed with me today
20- I had a great opportunity to serve. (wish I had been more specific there!)
21- My mom.
22- my job
23- Hannah Hinckley
24- Music
25- Seth blowing kisses to me
26- Jim
27- Keys to the Chapel, and practice time
28- My health
29- Co-workers that care
30- Late night Movies
31- Jeanine, the best voice teacher in the world

June1- My dad

2- Personal revelation

3- Temple
4- Scripture Mastery verses
5- THE LAST DAY OF SEMINARY
6- Sleeping in
7- Tamara Clifford, the most remarkable seminary teacher in the world
8- The entire Seminary class, the most remarkable high schoolers in the world
9- Emma
10- Nathan
11-Cori
12- Sam
13- Tim (My nieces and nephews are better therapy for me than anything else)
14- Madi and Amber, two of the seminary kids that are particularly remarkable
15- France Paris, 1998-2000
16- Friendship with my co-workers, particularly Heather
17- President Payne
18- Organ books from Jim (well, and Jim)
19- Things in general. As in concrete stuff. I have all the things I really need
20- Neal A Maxwell. I could read and re-read his talks forever
21- A Computer
22- great talk, spirit and training (that is what I wrote, and I have no idea what it means, but I was grateful for it...)

23- (one of my preschool students, whose name I won't put here, but she was particularly special to me)
24- The Hinckley Family, my Apple Valley Sanity

25- Music. Again.
26- Financial Security
27- My parents
28- Everyday Comforts
29- Organ Shoes. (I managed that bass line, finally)
30- Jeanine, again, both because she is a most amazing teacher, but also because she is my friend.

July 1- Grandma and Grandpa Burnham

2- Ann Marie
3- the few extra dollars for a Cold Stone
4- The Apple Valley Ward
5- My Visiting Teachers
6- All the tiny babies in my family. (I’m still a girl)
7- The opportunity to transfer with my job
8- Tracy and Maggie
9- Brook
10- The LaFonda's Crowd (that's right, I am grateful for drunken Karaoke regulars.
11- Emma/ Mom/ Dad (my current "roomies")
12- Church today
13- Stephanie
14- Allie
15- Hot cocoa at Barnes and Noble, which is the only thing that eased my anxiety today
16- People came to my party. Talk about anxiety relieved
17- Nancy Gator
18- My really great Bishop, Who tries to understand me in spite of his friendship with my dad, (which usually serves to confuse people about me...)
19- My health, I rarely get sick, and so I can use those PTO days to move.
20-The "Mountain" Hymns, I have never been so happy to conduct the music in my life
21-Bryan and Brittany

22-Jelly Bellies, and all of those memories

23-Loni Chelsea and Haleigh

24- Andrea
25- Dinner with my co-workers, now my friends
26- Time alone
27- General Conference Report, Elder Condie's Talk28- My job, the parents, the great company
29-My big Brother, and Ice Cream
30-... And my Brothers wife and seven kids, again with the niece/nephew therapy

Aug 1- Mathilda, my car, which is a really good car
Aug2- Mountains Mountains Mountains Mountains. These mountains are the safest place in the world to me
3- Music and the Spoken Word, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, and Scrabble with my Grandfather
4- Job security, with a great company
5- The sudden realization that I am very good at what I do
6- Facebook. Random, I know, but it has helped me contact so many old friends
7- I finally go to meet Caleb, the mini-Szymanski
8- The Olympics, the world we live in, and people that make efforts to love each other. (Cheesy, I know, but it has to be said)
9- One very comfortable and large Bean Bag Chair
10- Ann Marie, who I already mentioned, but she is letting me live in her basement, so she gets double blessings
11- Today I am grateful for the growth I have experienced in the past few years. I have come a long way.
12- Smart People. Today I am grateful for grown-up conversations and intelligent friends
13- A complete paycheck, in spite of the time it took to move, they paid me for that too.
14- Bryan And Brittany, Again, because I know I can go there when I have nowhere else
15- I am only beginning to realize how much the depression affected me, and how much better I feel now. Thanks for healing.
16- Bishop Yamada, who years ago encouraged me to get a job in education, even though I didn't want to. That has been the source of some of my best friendships
17- I am grateful That my 90 yr old Grandfather can still cream me at scrabble
18- My new boss, who listens to me and helps me with my concerns
19- A place to live, close enough to work and reasonable rent
20- My new roomie, who is not psychotic, as I feared she would be
21- There have been many people over the past few years who have risked friendship with me in spite of my social awkwardness, and I am only now beginning to realize how bad it was (is?) and how hard it must have been for them. Thanks for everyone who helped me figure that stuff out.
22-I am grateful that I got out of debt when I did, since it seems like the whole world is crumbling now. (Economically speaking) and in turn, I am grateful for church leaders who foresaw and forewarned.

23-*gritting my teeth* I am grateful for the Beanbag chair that has become quite uncomfortable, and for chiropractors.

24- U-Haul and BYU Bishoprics
25- A text message I received on May 17, that has been running in and out of my thoughts all day: "Are you defined by what your family wants or doesn't want you to be, or are you who you are aside from them?" Its taken a long time, but I think I am beginning to understand.
26- My Bed!
27- My mom is the best cook in the entire world, and she taught me a few tricks. I am so grateful for her, and for having a kitchen to make food in again.
28- New friends, Susan particularly, who helps me realize I am not quite insane.
29- voicemail from little children who love me, and don't understand why I left them, but make me realize that those two years were not wasted
30- Lisa, another therapist-friend, mostly friend, who knows me enough to know what I am saying without having to say it.
31- The Sacrament. It really does feel better to be a part of something...
(I find that one ironic, since it was about the Ward that kicked me out)

Sept 1- The sunrise out my bedroom window
2- Aunt Nancy and Uncle Steve, without whom I would have zero furniture.
3- Friendly girl, who remembered me and smiled and said hi. It really does make a difference to people
4- My Testimony, apart from the green jello culture and the labels
5-Another former student, a different one, but who still means a lot to me
6-Amy Every, and unconditional friendship
7- Becky, and her music
8- Family Wards
9- The French Language, and the miracle that I am somehow still very good at speaking it.
10- Practice time
11-The overwhelming sense of peace, which I am feeling again for the first time in a very long time.
12-Laundry, friends, and late night laughter
13- Milton and Mountains
14-A Prophet and my church
15-My talents. Frankly, there is no reason that I should be as good at my job as I am, and so it is purely a gift, which I should do a better job at sharing and refining. I really don't want to sound obnoxious, but there is great comfort in doing something well, and in recognizing where it comes from.
16-My new friend Shaelyn, and my old friend Ann Marie
17-Aunt Elaine, one of the most remarkable individuals ever
18-Prayer, which is finally becoming easier again
19- Roommates, all 80 of them, even those that i have nothing nice to say about
20- I felt comfortable in a crowd, that is major progress
21- Jim, again my Therapist and Friend
22- Books, and the love of reading and learning that was instilled in me.
23-Parents that are beginning to trust me
24- Afternoon Naps
25-Lucie, and the fact that our lives touched at exactly the right time, for both of us.

The thing about this list is, when I started it I was quite possible at the lowest point emotionally and psychologically that I have ever been at. And, while I don't necessarily attribute the blessings of the past six months to keeping a list, I do see the wisdom in the experiment. Especially for these 6 months, where I have come from some pretty serious darkness into a general sense of happiness again. And it really is fun to count your blessings, although pretty difficult at first, since we are generally out of practice. Think about it, when was the last time you got on your knees and said "Hey, thanks"?