The top ten worst Christmas songs ever played on "Lite" radio...

I did it. I forgot to throw a Christmas CD in my bag this morning, so I flipped on the radio stations. I hate those nasty stations that play the same 15 Christmas songs over and over again starting at Halloween. I refuse to listen to them at all before Thanksgiving, and even after it is a rare event that I flip to them. But it was Christmas songs or NPR or BBC, and since I am tired of hearing about bailouts and terrorists and the horrors of the planet, I tried the Christmas station, only to be treated with selection after selection of irritating whiny cheer sung by people who should never have been allowed to produce even one Christmas song, let alone entire albums of them. The evidence of such is listed below, in my top ten choices for worst Christmas "Music" ever. And my disclaimer is, I am sorry if you like one of these, I am sorry if you take offense at the choices I make, but if you are in my car, these earn an immediate music veto. Change the station, my ears are bleeding.

10. Neil Diamond singing "O Holy Night"- I can admit to being a closet Neil Diamond fan, I was raised on his Childsong album (just the side of the record with "I am the Lion" and "Soolemon"), but people, he's Jewish. He recorded the song for the sell. He can sell other Christmas songs if he likes, about Santa Claus or Snow, but this one is pretty religion specific. In addition, his voice is not built for this piece which was once gorgeous, but has had the unfortunate fate of being butchered by too many pop artists not prepared to give it its proper due. So as long as I am mentioning the piece, I might as well throw in that any pop artist who attempts it gets an immediate thumbs down from me.

9.Where Are You Christmas? By Faith Hill. To which I respond, Where are you intonation and healthy singing? Where are you decent lyricist and harmonic structure? Why have you gone away, song form and style? And while we are at it, how do you write a song about the true meaning of Christmas without ever mentioning the True meaning of Christmas? I used to be able to at least tolerate the thing, but then the Ogden Institute Choirs used it, and ever since I can't even hear the chorus without hearing some of the ridiculous dialogue from the program.

Very Pregnant Girl Narrating: "I will get a great present this year, I feel like the Virgin Mary, Ethan and I are expecting!"
My Brain: News flash girlfriend, big difference. For starters, Not a virgin.

Aaaand, cue music...



8. So This is Christmas (War is over), the John Lennon song. All proper respect to the first member of the Beatles to die, tragically even, but the vocals in this are terrible. (Is that Yoko in the background?... I should google it, but I am afraid to find out..) Plus, I can never listen to it for long enough to get to the "war is over" part. My brain gets stuck on the repeat of that first phrase and if I don't clean out the sound I will begin committing violence. Nothing inspires me to turn on a Wilberg arrangement quite like this music. But there are worse atrocities out there...



7. All I want for Christmas is you- DO we even know who sings it? I don't. Besides you, who are now singing that line over and over again in your mind, I could care less about the person that recorded this mind-numbing little ditty. Talk about whining. The two most unattractive personality traits on the planet are Attitudes of Entitlement and Unrealistic Expectations. Combined, they create the kind of person it is impossible to befriend because you can A. Never please them and B. Never please them. Even just this one line, the only line from the song that anyone knows, sums up this chick's attitude as insufferable.



(Do you resent me for getting that one stuck in your head? Just wait...)



6. Last Christmas I gave you my heart, and the very next day, you gave it away- Get over it already. It was a year ago. Find a new fixation. I know the song is supposed to be about moving on, but clearly if you are still dedicating a song to the relationship, then you still have some issues to work out. This doesn't even remotely resemble the Christmas spirit. Not only have we forgotten the Babe in a Manger, we even forgotten Santa and Sleigh Bells and Snow and Fireplaces. It doesn't get to count as a Christmas song unless it produces at least one warm fuzzy.



5. Spot number 5 belongs to a little known piece of music that has stuck with me forever. It's not technically a Christmas song, but in order to be fair about the "Holiday Season", the only American thing to do is to make mention of a holiday that I do not celebrate. Years ago, the University of WI, LaCrosse Choirs included a Kwanzaa song in their Repertoire. It's a publicly funded school, they had to. But if you have ever been to WI, specifically LaCrosse, you would know that there are very few people there who celebrate Kwanzaa. I believe that my inside sources could tell you that there was perhaps one person represented in the choirs who might have celebrated Kwanzaa, maybe. And the member of the faculty who wrote the piece was definitely only trying to satisfy a quota. It included the lines "Sing about Families, Sing about Strong Economic Values"



OK, I just googled it to verify my facts, it is unpublished, but listed on the composers website as having been performed in 2001. There are very few recordings of this, but if you are dying to hear it, I might be able to coherse my "source" to help me out.



4. Uh oh- here's where I may offend: Amy Grant's Grown Up Christmas List- Yup, call me grinch, and string me up by a strand of Wal-Mart tree lights, I can not abide this song. It's scoopy, it's pop-ish, it's pseudo-spiritual, and I associate it with the super-christian, ultra baptists that used to torment me all through high school. The entire Amy Grant Christmas album, in fact, could belong in this spot. I don't like her, I don't like her voice, I don't like her marketing, and I don't like her philosophies. I don't believe that religion should be sold, and most of all, I don't believe that her song has actually contributed to any of the ideals that she sings about.



3. Again, I may be drawn and Quartered for this one... The Christmas Shoes. It's a cheap emotional shot at unbased tears and heart-string-tearing that only leads to the sensationalized "spirit of giving." Do we even know if it is based on a true story? And I don't trust any internet sources on this. It's purely anecdotal, so unless you can produce either the child who wanted to shoes or the man who apparently purchased them, I still won't believe you. If it convinces you to throw an extra quarter into the Salvation Army bucket at the grocery store, then good for you. The thing is, there are real heart-rending Christmas stories happening to the real people around you that you could actually touch and participate in. Stories about lonely people and loving people and foreclosed homes and jobs lost and why don't you turn off the radio and call some of them instead of tearing up over some stranger's fictional tale of a couple of bucks?

Plus, I had a fifth grader plagarize the entire song, word for word, for a writing project one year. They thought I hadn't heard it before? Really?



2. Another Beatle made the list. I'm sorry guys, your other stuff is great, but stay away from the holiday stuff.... Paul McCartney- Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time. Why does he have his name on it anyways? I don't think that's him singing, and if it is, it's only one line, over and over and over and over again. Did he write it? And he want's to claim it? If I had written it, I would blame it on my dearest enemy and let them have the proceeds. It is so entirely synthesized that there is no semblance of actual musicality or skill. I'm all for the usefulness of synthesized sound, especially now that you can actually create some that sounds remotely real. Bu this stuff is more canned than the cranberry jelly that comes shooting out of the can with the little ridges still visible.



And finally, My number one most resented Christmas "Music" of all time, it's not simply a song, it's an entire album.



Can you guess it?



The album is usually red, with a gold stylized Christmas Tree adorning the cover.

It's HUGE here in Utah, inescapable at LDS church Christmas parties, and the composer himself, who can't sing, performs it to sold out audiences every year.



Can't guess? Still in the dark? You've known me for how long and you didn't know how much I loathe entirely this "music"?



It's the Forgotten Carols.

That's right, I said it. Tell my bishop, excommunicate me, I loathe that stuff. And the composer can't sing. He has self-proclaimed that he can't sing, yet still he sings to a sold out audience every year. For those of you unfamiliar, here's the premis: And old guy in a nursing home claims to have been present at the Nativity, or at least to have talked to everyone present, and he sings a whole bunch of songs that were supposedly sung by those people. But here's my very first nit-picky issue. Do you really think a bunch of meridian-of-time folks were wandering around singing 20th century pop compositions? Yes, it's supposed to be fiction and fun, but you couldn't even try to make them sound musically accurate? Or you don't have enough music skill to know what that would be? Besides which, the sentiment is trite at best. I highly doubt that Joseph ever once considered his role as "I was not his Father, He was mine" I think he had bigger worries, and more profound prayers. He didn't have time to write angst poetry, He was busy fleeing to Egypt and raising kids. And is it shepherds or wisemen that sing the whole "we cannot find our way" chorus? Either way, they could find their way, there was a huge beacon leading them, not to mention angel choruses and messengers and the prophecies of Isaiah.

I suppose I can allow for the novelty of it, hey, I listened to it when I was twelve. Once. But do you realize there is a sequel? And that the TV commercials refer to it as a "classic" and a "tradition"? And there are people who never attend church once all year long, but they go to this concert religiously, like it's some sort of midnight mass ritual? And at the end of the concert everyone holds hands with their neighbor and sings "we can be together forever someday." Its a good thing I only heard about it, because I would have punched the first person who tried to hold my hand and run screaming from the building. If I even made it past intermission.

Then again, it has made ALOT of money. I am considering marketing my own set of "Forgotten Carols" (Under a pseudonym, of course) What about the song of the guy who had the job of scooping donkey uh... leftovers, off the streets of Bethlehem? Nobody ever sings about him:
I scooped the poop, and it was holy,
I cleaned the stalls and paid my tax,
It's a good job, though kind of stinky,
I wish someone would invent plastic sacks.

Or how about the song of the people who actually did get a room at the inn?
We got our room
Cause we called ahead
got a confirmation number
and an actual bed
How were we to know
there were people in the shed?
We might have traded
with the newlywed.

And finally, the song of the guy who ran the bagel stand next door:
Someday I'm gonna
open a franchise
If only I could meet
Rich men who were wise
My bagels are perfect,
so golden and clear
And for just an extra sheqel
I'll include some goat schmear.