new and strange occurances

I'm diverging fron the all-request thing for a minute.  Don't worry, I've got more of that coming too.  I just figured I should explain myself for a minute or two.  Mostly for myself.  Maybe for others as well. 

I did a weird/risky/completely insane thing yesterday.  I turned down a job offer.  I have never done that before.  Well, not never.  I did it once before.  I turned down an offer to work at the window factory for a third summer in a row.  I got the letter inviting me back and I quite literally said "I''ll starve first." and since that was the summer that my insane roommates stole my food all summer long, I actually did starve.  And it was a small price to pay for not being in the window factory.  Starving for a summer probably saved my life. 

But yesterday's situation was different. And I shouldn't get ahead of myself, so I'll start towards the beginning. 

At the end of last semester, I was starting to worry about the summer.  I hadn't been getting hours at work, and I needed to work.  I had just enough savings to get me through June, leaving July and August as this giant black hole.  I cannot handle not having a plan. We all really struggle with that, I'm sure, but I really really struggle with that.  And going to school requires a lot more living on faith than I am really comfortable with. 

In addition, I have been concerned about my work experience.  Most of my cohort members have some really phenomenal experience in the mental health field.  I have phennomenal experience working with children.  Most of my cohort has current experience working with non-profits and counseling centers, I work with rich babies. 

I spoke with my [favorite] professor about these concerns and she gave me some reassurance and recommendations.  She told me she was pretty sure she already knew where my practicum placements would be and that they never had a problem placing people in this program, regardless of experience (have I mentioned that this program has an AMAZING record for getting their graduates jobs?  Their reputation is so good, its basically 100% placement upon graduation, one of the reasons I chose it).  Then she (in her very reassuring way) gave me some contacts for work experience and volunteer opportunities.  I told her what my dream job would be, and she informed me that what I wanted was perhaps the most difficult thing in the world, and if I wanted to work there, I needed to start jumping through their hoops now.  Its the only time I've ever seen her be more discouraging than encouraging.  So of course my stubborn brain took it as a challenge.

School ended.  I spent a week half-working and half recovering. 2 things happened on monday.  My roommate announced she was moving out.  (she still hasn't given 30 days notice or even a real move-out date, but she is working in ogden now, so I haven't actually seen her since she told me this.)  My boss called to offer me summer hours that were far more reasonable than what I had been predicting.  15-20 a week, with the potential for full time when people werre on vacations.  I realized I could survive on the job I had and would still have flexible time to do as I pleased, so I set about applying for volunteer positions.  With a degree in music I have learned that even if you are applying to volunteer someplace, you have to practically spam the world with applications in order to be heard.  I applied for 4-5 volunteer things, thinking that was a nice start, and I'd do more tomorrow.  Some of the positions were at my dream job, some were at places my favorite professor recommended. 

I heard back within hours.  I couldn't believe my eyes at the emails and my ears at the voicemails.  3 contacts all came at the same time as my boss called and asked me to work full time hours for the next week. People wanted me.  This was a brand new feeling.  And once again, my music degree habits kicked in and I wanted to say yes to everything. Because with a degree in music, any offer is probably the only offer you will get. 

I scheduled interviews for in-between work hours during the next week.  That week was two steps beyond insane.  I clocked 48 hours of work.  I babysat 3 times, had 2 choir rehearsals, and did the interviews.  I was offered a volunteer position in my dream job location and a real job in the other place.  I had applied to volunteer there, and they were calling offering me 20 hours a week at a pay increase from my current position. 

But the two conflicted with each other.  I couldn't take the real job offer and still volunteer at my dream job.  But I could volunteer at my dream job and work my current job.  Which had finally started giving me hours. Now comes this week.  My car had been having some overheating problems so I brought it in. 715 dollars later I had a new water pump and timing belt.  It runs beautifully now, but remember how all I had was rent for June? Not anymore. 

Also, remember how my roommate said she would be moving out but i haven't seen or heard from her since? 

So am I paying double rent for june?  I don't know.  I put a post up about finding a new roommate, but I can't say when I need one.  I'm assuming as soon as possible, but the other thing is, remember how current roommate is kind of a pig?  When she left 2 weeks ago now, she left her comforter in the washer. I took it out a week ago because it was starting to smell and I needed the washer, and I hung it to dry and then went to put it in her room.  Her room.  I hadn't looked before.  I assumed it would be a mess. There were clothes on the floor (I can handle that) and there was underwear everywhere (can't handle that) the bed is not made (fine, whatever) there aren't even sheets on it (is that how she sleeps?) There are fast food bags everywhere and a TV is set up but the TV box and styrofoam pieces are still cluttered around it. The closet is nearly empty, but I'm not sure if thats because everything is on the floor or because she has started moving stuff out.  Only one thing is certain: I can't show that room to potential roommates.

Here's another layer of complication.  My friend is buying a house and we were going to be roommates.  We were planning on sometime this summer, when the house thing happens.  It was looking like August.  So do I find a new roommate and ditch her in august?  Do I find a new place, move, and then ditch and move again in two months? Do I pay double rent until something works out?  I honestly don't know. 

And here I am with a job offer.  Guaranteed hours and money.  It wouldn't be enough to pay the double rent.  But it would be guaranteed, as opposed to the other job, that potentially could be enough hours to pay double rent, but it is not guaranteed.  And I could do my volunteer stuff at the dream job if I just stick with the current non-guaranteed position.  But the non-guaranteed position is at a place I tend to resent and is not doing anything in my field.  And the guaranteed position is in my field.  But I'm certain to not get enough hours there to pay double rent, only single rent, so I would HAVE to get a new roommate and nix the plan to move in with my friend.

Basically I had a choice between playing it safe, working at a place where I could survive, get experience, give up on moving in with my friend, get yet another roommate that i don't know and have no guarantees about whether they are the butter-on-the-dryer kind of people or the food-stealing people or psycho in some other way.  (They could be nice too, I suppose. It does happen).

OR

I could stay at the job I dislike, pray for enough hours to cover the rent, hope for things to work out with my potential future roommate, and take the opportunity to volunteer at my dream job in hopes that it pans out to someday be a real job doing things that I truly love. 

This is why I had my little melt-down on tuesday night.  At choir. Over a friend's bridal shower we are trying to plan.  It had nothing to do with the bridal shower, but the bridal shower was what broke me. I threw a tantrum.  It should also be noted that I am dealing with allergy issues like I have never had before.  Sure, Minnesota in general has my nose at a contant drip and I whine about how my head gets fuzzy while I am there, but for the first time ever I have allergies in Utah and am coughing and wheezing and my head is beyond fuzzy, its downright congested and I'm so sorry for all the people out there who have allergies like this.  So with my head in a pained and congested state and my mind roaming from decision to decision and my spirit trying to focus on choir music, my heart rebelled at the bridal shower.  Only the shower wasnt the real problem. 

I had decsions to make, and cake or cupcakes was the absolute least of my concerns. 

I'm not generally the risk-taking girl.  But you know what?  Playing it safe is what landed me working a dead end job, hating my life, and taking depression meds. 

The things I really love in my life have come from the only risks I've ever taken.  Move out at 16 for the U of MN Project SEE? Scary.  But more educational than anything else I could have done.  Move halfway across the country alone at 17?  I only ever wanted to go to BYU.  Burning that letter from the window factory and starving for a summer?  I wonder sometimes if I had gone back a third summer, if I ever would have actually made it out of that town.  Live in a foreign country of someone else's choosing for a year and a half? I would have done it even if it wasn't Paris.  But it was, and it wouldn't have been Paris if I hadn't done it at all.  Audition for the MoTab?  I very nearly gave up on that, you know.  Despite the fact that it was my dream, the opposition was so fierce, I nearly walked away more than once. 

And this Master's program was probably the biggest risk of all.  Quitting my job, begging for sub hours at work and babysitting work, and spending my days reading and writing about something I had never really studied before.  But I am not even to the middle of it and I love it so much.  And it gives me the potential to get my dream job. 

So I'm not going to stop taking risks now.  Its not time to give up yet.  And it may be crazy or stupid, and I may fall flat on my face, and I don't know what failure will look like, but I think even failure is more honorable than not even trying in the first place. 

I called the job offer yesterday morning and told them no.  I also told them I loved their organization and would like to volunteer for them on my time.  We are working that out.  I called my dream-job-volunteer-opportunity and scheduled the battery of drug tests, interviews, and references to get started.  I told my boss I just spent $715 on car repairs and was in dire need of her help. 

I am Nancy the risk-taker.
Please send cash or ramen. Or both.