Forgive me for a moment while I indulge my Inner Diva

To the director of one of the 4 shows I have auditioned for in the past few weeks:

A chorus role? How quaint! Why, I haven't dabbled in the chorus since I was 15 years old! You might have enticed me to accept it if you hadn't invited me to callbacks and then fully wasted two and a half hours of my Saturday. Honestly, if you had simply called or emailed and said "we would like you in the chorus" I would have accepted and probably attended every rehearsal. Instead, you invited me to a callback in which every role except 1 was clearly pre-cast, and you didn't invite me to read even once. I sat in that line up for two and a half hours and you merely invited me to sing with a sextet at the end in order to place me according to voice part. By that time I was so irritated with you that I purposefully busted out the bigggest opera sound I have in me and drowned out every other voice in the sextet. And frankly, I could have buried every voice in that room singing together if you had given me the opportunity. It doesn't matter, though, because by that point in the audition you had already made it clear that your friends were receiving the roles they wanted and the rest of us could sit on it, regardless of talent or ability. And at that point in the audition, my decision was already made. You didn't make the cut. Your audition process was a disheveled waste of my time and an insult to my ability. I knew the moment you spent 10 minutes looking for sides to hand out that you were not a director that I wanted to work with. But I gave you the benefit of the doubt and I sat there anyways, because I wanted that one role. And let me tell you something, the woman you had pre-cast in that role doesn't have half of what I have to offer. I wonder why you even put that all roles were open on the audition notice? Perhaps you were lying to yourself, and saying that you would only give those roles to your friends if nobody better came along? Take a glance at my resume, honey. You don't even need to hear me sing to know that someone better had come along. Of course, you did hear me sing, and your music director was clearly salivating over the opportunity to work with this voice. And while we are at it, your choreographer was thrilled with me too. In fact, the group that I danced the combo with would not have made it through to the end if they hadn't had me to follow. And that group included the woman you pre-cast in my role. So it will be your sad duty to inform choreographer and music director that I won't be joining the cast. They made my callback. I would willingly work with either of them. But you didn't even make my first cut. I don't even want to hear you monologue.

The thing is, I have enough experience to know when I nail an audition. And I have enough experience on the other side of the audition table to know how to run an audition and how to cast a show. I recognize that some decisions are subject to opinion, and I recognize that some decisions depend on the ensemble as a whole. I saw the ensemble you assembled, and I saw the decisions you made on that cast list. I am not the only talent you slighted. There was that military man with the perfect tenor voice that was slated to the chorus as well, while you put an unsure and slightly tone deaf adolescent into the lead role. Did it occur to you that he is cast opposite a woman who is twice his age and it will never be believable? As a general rule, I don't work with theatre organizations that pander to groupies regardless of ability. I am in it for improvement and experience, not for social posturing and ego stroking. Perhaps you are secure in this because your organization is designed to do something other than produce decent theatre. If that is the case, kudos to you, you have created an environment where the weirdos can bond and the social outcasts can invent and perpetrate inside jokes. But frankly, any theatre organization does this much. If you ever want to offer more than that, take my advice. Use talent when you find it, don't waste my time, and oraganize yourself and your paperwork before you hold a call back. And be honest about the roles that are pre-cast.

Don't get me wrong, I've accepted chorus roles in the past 15 years, but somehow they always evolve into supporting and leads. It's too bad for you that you won't have access to my talent when pre-cast lady throws out her hip during the first week of rehearsals. It's too bad you won't have my directing ability when your music director suddenly goes out of town for a week. And don't even think of using this note as a reason why you wouldn't want to work with me anyways. I'm worth it. The Diva only throws these fits when she doesn't get the part. When she does get the part, she is not only pleasant to work with, she brings killer brownies for the strike party and is the life of every cast party. I'm more than worth it. People pay me to work with them.

You can keep my headshot as a reminder of your failure. And don't be too hard on yourself. It's important we learn from our mistakes.

The Inner Diva

PS. Can I have military man's phone number? I know a few more shows that are auditioning, and I would love to meet up with him in some other chorus...