Journals

Sometimes, you just have to indulge yourself. OK, some of us give in to indulgences more than others. Some of those indulgences may not be so healthy (Cold Stone, Cafe Rio, Watching 'Scrubs' for 8 hours solid while eating Cold Stone and Cafe Rio). Other indulgences are a little more healthy, albeit, not entirely recommended (Driving for 6 hours in order to calm down, blogging about frustrating work situations, tickling your little sister until you both soil yourselves a little from laughing that hard). And some indulgences are necessities, designed entirely to curb other potentially destructive habits and offer sanity, peace of mind, zen, or whatever you want to call it. (I might consider the day of 'Scrubs' to fit in this category also, but that is another story.) An example of one of my indulgences that is entirely healthy is perhaps the fact that I cut my hair when I am feeling particularly unsettled about life. I purposefully let it grow long the rest of my days, in preparation for that moment when I just can take it anymore, call up a hairstylist, and give them permission to "use their most tasteful discretion and lose at least 4 inches". I generally include in that a new hair color, sometimes extreme, and at least one new item of clothing. It's not a big spending thing, its spending that I have needed to do, I just put it off until I need it emotionally as well as fashionably. But these days come once every year or two. (In college they came during finals weeks.) I have another indulgence which is healthy and affects my life every day. I indulge in order to curb other obsessive tendancies I may have. Sure I stil have to compulsively fold every blanket in sight, and you should see me when there are crumbs on a table or countertop. But my need for sorting and organizing my thoughts is so intense and distracting that I would be incapable of human interaction without my journal indulgence. That's right, I said journal.

I can hear your questions now. "How can you qualify something like journaling as an indulgence?"

I'm sure that there are many out there that don't even take the time to do it. You know, write down thoughts, events for the day, significant moments, whatever. There are those who have such embarassing experiences re-reading past journals (from, say, around their junior high years) that they refuse to play part in creating more drivel. There are even people who make it their new years resolution, to write regularly, and they would be jealous of the collection I have amassed. But to them, I say that I am jealous of the freedom in their lives. To be able to function without writing, to be able to make decisions without the analyses, oh how gloriously empty and light my purse would be were I not saddled with the three books.

That's right. I said "Three." As in uno, dos , TRES. Ichi, Ni, SAN. Un, deux, TROIS. Don't you believe me? Take a look:

The Pink one is full of lists. Dated. To do lists, grocery lists, bills and financial plan lists, budgets, thank you notes to write, people to call, letters to send, things to pack, clothing to wash, gas mileage, potential quilts for wedding gifts, lists. Lists tell you alot about a person. They tell me a lot about my frame of mind on the day I wrote the list. They record things that might not make it into another journal. And I think that someday my sisters' grandchildren will be fascinated to see the list of things I considered giving them for their birthday or Christmas is 2009. Maybe they won't be, but if they are, it is all written down in the pink book I got from the dollar aisle at Target last fall.

The purple one is for the day to day events, the mindless little details about how my time is spent. One entry says simply "So frustrated with work today" Today it says "I am going to work cheerfully today. Will it help? Also. Laundry. And blueberry muffins." Sometimes Iuse it to record a single phrase or realization for the day, a lesson learned that I can't elaborate on yet. For example, one day I wrote "It is not a betrayal of frendship or trust to love someone, even if you are loving them more than they want you to. It only becomes betrayal if you allow your love to create expectations, no matter if you love them more or less than they want you to." See how descriptive of my day that one phrase was! The journal was a gift from someone that was concerned it would be too girly for me. Brit, you have no idea how much I use things like this. Plus, it is full of quotes and random ideas that are sometimes frighteningly timely. I was flipping through on my lunch break today, and I found this quote: "One is not only to endure - but to endure well and gracefully those things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon us" -Neal A. Maxwell. See what I mean? Timely. It is much easier to write in your journal every day if you know you only have to write a phrase or two.

Finally, Journal number three, the one with the adorable buttons and chocolate brown theme, is for my actual thoughts. This is more than the single phrase or two that pop into my mind and guide my day. This is the book in which I record what I learned from following that philosophy for a day, or a week, or however long it takes to learn something from it. This is the book that you are under no circumstances allowed to read. Not that it contains scandalous or mean or embarassing information. It contains my thoughts that are still being processed. It contains all of the unresolved lessons, all of the chastisement I have yet to process, all of the changes I am making in me. And it will not be complete until I am. I am not hiding my imperfections out of pride (I don't think) but I am hiding my failures and frustrations from those that they would hurt, until a moment of resolution comes, and that process is complete. You know how the learning process can actually be offensive until you put a summary on it? It's like in music, where you absolutely must have dischord in order to experience a resolution. Music is no fun if the harmonies constantly agree and the suspensions never suspend. At the same time, if you present only the moments of dischord or irresolution when sharing, you will leave a bad taste in everyone's mouth. But when you know that resolution is coming, the dischord has a purpose and the suspesion becomes delicious. That's the brown journal. It's the suspension. I promise you can read it after I die. Hopefully by then a few of these issues will be resolved. But I warn you, it will take a very very very long time.

You see why I need three? I have to sort things! Lists do not belong with deep thoughts! But they are both so important! And so I use three books. Good luck to any posterity that want to sort throught the mess.

Finally, lest you think that I am an unprepared sort of person, I have to admit to another indulgence. This one may be less healthy. But it comes with the journaling thing. I love to buy journals. Especially if I see one that jumps out at me. Every store I go in, I visit the journal section and browse a little. I choose one that I love and carry it around the store while I debate whether or not I should get it. Usually I do. I mean, what if they suddenly stop making fun journals? And my thoughts are so much better when they are written in a nice looking book.

Like one of these:

Yes, these are just a few of the blank journals I have stored up, awaiting their turn to hold my lists, my days, and my thoughts. But can you blame me? I am rarely able to resist anything with an Eiffel Tower on it. All any marketing person has to do is make something say "Paris" and they earn my money. I used to try to make them uniform, size and binding, even colors. But then I realized, the book I choose to write in is as much an expression of what my life is like as what I write in it. It's like the background of a photo. Do you ever carefully examine the background before you crop something? Sometimes, the most significant details are a little out of focus, or just peeking out from behind the subject matter.