Things that I am good at.

Do you ever have a day when you just need to be good at something? We spend so much of our lives learning and improving and trying to convince ourselves that correction is a blessing and "pursuing excellence" and with all of that comes a constant sense of inferiority. We set improvement as a goal and then we can never attain an end to the goal because no matter how good you get at something, improvement is always possible. Why can't we ever stop and allow ourselves a moment of saying "I am good at something"? It's not like I am not going to continue to pursue excellence. I am just going to stop guilting myself into thinking that life holds less joy because I have not become a better basket weaver. The world doesn't always need a basket weaver. Add to that the expectations of ourselves and those around us, which are most often completely unreasonable, and all they serve to do is diminish our own offering. Who am I to decide that giving of myself is not good enough, simply because myself is not improved yet?

Does this make any sense? I guess what I am trying to say is that it is easy to pervert a culture of constant self-improvement into a culture of shame and guilt. Complacency is bad, but self-loathing is worse. So here I am, having a hard time getting myself functioning for the day, and I have decided to give myself permission to be good at a few things. And I am going to try something new. I have not been tagged, but I want to start this as a tagging sort of chain. I know alot of people that need to allow themselves to be good at something. So I am tagging you. Brittany, Jessica, Stefany, Melissa, Jesse, Leona, Lucie, Carolanne, Emma, Talena, Susan, Chelsea, and Ally, and anyone else who reads and feels like they need to be good at a few things. I don't care if you post it on your blog (although it would be a fun read) or if you write it in one of your fabulous journals, or if you write it on the back of a piece of junk mail and promptly throw it away. Just write down ten things you are good at.

Here is a list of ten things I can do, and do fairly well. I keep them in the back of my brain at most times and when there are lousy moments, I comfort myself by knowing I am good at something. And when a day has been particularly lousy, I came home and do one or two of them.

1. Cooking. I can take a kitchen with a few random igredients and create a meal. It's a skill I learned in college. I don't think I've used a recipe to create a meal in at least ten years, but I love to browse cookbooks, look at a random set of ingredients and assemble a 3 course meal. Or at least a well rounded meal. If all else fails, I can throw together crepes in under 5 minutes and fill them with either sweet or savory, and it's the most comforting food in the world.

2. Along with cooking, I can bake. I can bake cakes and cookies and desserts to suit any taste. I prefer chocolate, but if you don't you should try any one of my pumpkin or apple or orange variations on a spice cake. And if you do like chocolate, let me introduce you to any number of my personally designed cookies, cookie bars, or pastries. Again, I don't follow recipes, but I can walk you through the process if you give me a call and list the ingredients in your kitchen.

3. Singing. I can't play piano well enough to help a ward choir, but I can sing. I am better as a voice in a choir than as a soloist, but I am very best when I am practicing. I loathe when people in church tell me what a nice job I did in choir, because I know that in most ward choirs, my voice sticks ot like a sore thumb. But at the same time, if nobody says anything, I wonder what I did wrong. How hypocritical is that? I always like it best when my sisters are aound, and people can't tell the difference between us, so they tell my sisters what a nice job they did, and my sisters are forced to accept the compliment graciously, then relay it to me. Don't know why I get so much pleasure out of that.

4. Reading and processing information. Don't think this is a strange thing. I have learned in my years of teaching that not everyone can process the things that they read. Some people are better when they hear it, some are better when they experience it, I am good at drawing the information out of a text. It's why I love poetry, there are so many layers of meaning and philosophies and lessons expressed where spoken word and lecture can never attain. I wish more people could understand the lessons in great poetry. I am one of those weirdos that has no problem with Isaiah and savors Old Testament imagery.

5. Teaching. I should break this down a little. There are teachers that are good at managing a classroom because they are charismatic and popular. That is not me. I won't even attempt the "entertainment" aspect of teaching. Just ask any of my seminary kids from last year. I don't do the gimmicks and the games very well. But I can take the information that I draw from my reading and I can discern which is pertinant to my class, be they 4 yrs old or 19, and I can convey it to a group. I understand that not all information is best conveyed through lecture,but I can ask good questions and I can lead people to the answers. And as far as my current job is concerned, I do have control over the room, they are learning, and they are the best behaved children this center has ever seen. They are polite and respectful to each other, as much as 4-yr olds can be.

6. As far as the entertaining thing goes, no I can't come up with the charisma or popularity to put into my teaching, but if you give me a story to read or a role to play, I can nail it. I would rather be a supporting role on stage, since they usually get stronger character moments (let's face it, the leading lady just has to be pretty and skinny enough to make you believe that the hero would fall in love with her) but the supporting characters get to scream and weep and go into hysterics and die, they get the comedic moments and the heart-breaking moments and the moments that are much more realistic than gazing lovingly into their true love's eyes as the chorus sings the finale.

7. Sewing. I can make quilts, I can make costumes, and I can make real clothes. In fact, the last several items of real clothes I have made were my own designs. That's right, I started with a pattern and then I altered it to be my own design. Not unlike my cooking. I am still improving on the sewing thing, I am by no means a designer. But give me a fabric that I love and I can turn it into something fit to wear to work, to church, or on stage. As far as my quilting goes, again, not perfect, but I have pretty good taste, and sitting in front of a sewing machine is soothing. I am not limited to machines, though. My needle work isn't shabby either. I won't win any contests, but I am good enough to find peace doing it.

8. Writing. It's only since I have started the blog that I have started to admit to it publicly, but my journals have always been therapeutic, and I have always known that enjoying something is an indication of some skill. I am terrible at actually sending letters to people, partly because I obsess over word choice, and partly because once they are out of my hands, I can't re-read and revise. But this whole internet thing is really good for me. I can send something off and still have a copy and I can even go back in and edit what I have sent until it expresses what I want to say. There are very few people to whom I actually send something before it has been revised a few times, but I am gradually learning to let go.

9. Dry humor, wit, or cynicism. I am pretty funny. I have to have good material to work with, but I can poke fun at just about any situation. Especially if it is a situation in which I have some experience. Music and theatre and children are my most frequent sources for autobiographical comic monologues. But I have been known to draw on other sources as well. Church culture and Minnesota-cisms are what I currently enjoy. I can do a few accents in order to enhance the experience. One of the voices in my head is "Funny Guy" who takes note of situations and narrates for me when I just need to laugh. You've met Funny Guy a few times on this blog. I like Funny Guy. One of my frustrations with work is that when I let Funny Guy speak up, they either look at me like I am completely serious or completely crazy. Whatever. It's not my fault that Funny Guy is smarter than them.

10. Seeing good in people. I am very good at giving people the benefit of the doubt. I am more often convinced that everyone else is right and I am wrong, which may not always be the best thing for me, but I would rather believe the best in the people around me, since I can not change them, only myself. This is actually a conscious choice I have made. You can try to offend me and you can try to accuse me and you can try to push me away, but if I have decided that you will be my friend, then I will continue to love you and accept your choices. I won't follow you around and cling. But as soon as you need, I will still love you and pray for you and listen to you. I am not talking about the benefit of the doubt in brains or beauty or talent. Those things are not what measure a person. I honestly believe that we are all doing the very best we can with the tools we've got. I do not think that there are than many people on the planet that are only out for themselves. And I simply cannot allow myself to approach any relationship with that attitude. I take very seriously the phrase "For with what judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged", and I know that any offenses I have caused will require much more love and forgiveness than I can offer, so I see no point in judging someone else harshly. Friendship is only the most valuable thing I have in this life, there is no reason to waste it with pettiness. The love of mankind is growing cold and dim, and each of us has a responsibility to combat that in our own relationships. It is a daily battle. I probably spend more energy on it than on anything else. It's not always an easy choice to make, but I won't ever refuse an offer of friendship. Even if it comes from someone that has aready hurt or refused me. I don't take loving people lightly. And I don't take love that is offered lightly either. It's the best gift any of us has to give.